withdrawals/withdrawals

chapter 8

I zipped up my suitcase with a heavy sigh, giving the apartment I'd grown to love over the last two years one last parting glance before stepping out the front door into the brisk morning air. I shivered and hugged my jacket around myself tighter as I made way down the cement stairs and to my trusty 2005 chevy impala, popping the trunk and loading the last of my bags inside. When I finally settled into the driver's seat, I found myself completely frozen, unable to leave the parking lot. I stared at my hand on the transmission, hoping I could mentally force it to move to reverse. But a minute passed, then three, then five, and I remained parked in the same spot, still staring at my hand, as the realization of what my life had come to finally began to fully sink in.

I was homeless, jobless, friendless, and broke- and although I knew all of this was my own fault, and the "friendless" part was probably for the best, a part of me deep down secretly blamed Scott. I knew it wasn't fair, and that I made the choice to fuck him in my car, feet away from where I worked where my boss could catch me right after she already thought I was a horrible person who lied about my life to get out of work- But did he have to be so charming? Why did he have to be so intoxicating to be around? The way his blue eyes danced along my skin, his hands gently cupping my face as if it might shatter from his touch, his tongue tasting my neck and the way he moaned my name-

I shook my head aggressively and squeezed my eyes shut. None of that mattered now. He hadn't spoken to me since that night 47 days ago, (not that I was counting), and there was nothing I could do to change the present anymore. Bet he's with some other girl right now anyway. Fucking rappers. I held onto the bitterness I felt and used it to motivate myself to finally peel out of the parking lot and get out on the road. I cranked up the music loud to drown out my anxious thoughts and the images of him that still persisted in the back of my mind like a movie I couldn't turn off. I had an 8 hour drive to San Antonio ahead of me. There was no point in dwelling on some asshole who clearly didn't give a shit about me.

-

I was on my third energy drink by the time I pulled into my hotel's parking lot, yet my eyelids were still heavy, and I'd been yawning nonstop for at least an hour. I was thankful that I didn't have to deal with a time change yet- that would come tomorrow when I finally made it to Colorado. My stomach sunk when I thought about how uncertain and unstable the coming days would be- and how much I dreaded having to stay at my conservative Aunt's for a month. At least Matt will be there, I thought to myself with a sigh, my older cousin's grinning face flashing through my mind. Matt was some of the only family I had left that I was close to- we could not talk for months and when we reunited it was like no time had passed at all. I was the first person he ever came out to, and I covered for him constantly growing up so he didn't have to deal with his Aunt's harsh criticism. In turn, he was the only person I was comfortable sharing my more traumatic life experiences with, and he never judged, always just sat silently and listened to me, before hugging me tightly and promising he would never tell. I smiled slightly as I hopped out of my car, realizing what a relief it would be to see him and tell him everything that's happened in the last couple months. I was going crazy without anyone to talk to.

For a moment, Scott's sweet, understanding smile appeared in my mind, and my heart sank to my stomach. As much as I hated to admit it, I missed him. He seemed like such a genuinely good guy for the brief time we were "friends", but just like many others, he disappeared when I needed him most. I swallowed the lump in my throat and shoved the thoughts of him away, forcing myself to focus on taking my luggage inside. I don't care about him anyway, I lied to myself to try to keep the image of that smile from resurfacing as I checked into my room. Room 1020, I repeated the number over and over again in my mind and shuffled into the elevator with my suitcase. I'm going to Room 1020, and then I'm going to bed. And that's all that matters right now. Nothing else. No one else. Especially not someone named Scott.