Kidnapped in Dunvegan

19

I arranged to meet my grandmother for a coffee to stop myself from thinking about Adam all the time. She had left a number of upset messages for me on my answering machine. This woman was rarely agitated, so I rang her in the morning only to find out that I had become a headline in the news. One of the headlines mentioned the word sex videos. I was just happy that although my face had been shown, my name hadn't been mentioned. But at least now I knew what had made my only living relative all emotional. I was an embarrassment to her.

The positive thing about it all was that, even without having to seek out my therapist, I didn't care what Alice thought and whether she believed that I alone was at fault. However, I still felt like I needed to talk to somebody and she was the only person who came to mind, so I now let her come to visit me at the apartment for the first time in the two years I had been living there.

I looked around my small apartment discontentedly. It didn't look particularly clean. I hadn't really had enough time to tidy it up over the last few days. Why was that?, I thought sarcastically. At least I put the dishes in the dishwasher and tidied up the living room table a little. My suitcases still remained unopened on the floor, so I carried them up to my bedroom and put them down in front of my closet. I had only just finished doing this when the doorbell rang. I went to the door, opened it and then I could only stare at my grandmother speechless as she pulled me into her arms and didn't let me go for several minutes.

"I'm just so happy that you're alright," she said with tears in her eyes which almost sent me into shock again. What had happened to this woman? I had gone through some difficult times since I had lived with her and she had never been there for me. I could have been suffering and she always acted as if she hadn't noticed.

I frowned in bewilderment and I didn't really know how to deal with so much unexpected warmth from her. "Come on in," I said and pointed to my tiny living room. She sniffed and wiped her face clean with a cotton handkerchief.

She tried not to moan at the sight of my badly run household or to get upset in any other way, I had to give her credit for that because I knew that it took a lot of effort on her part. She sat down carefully and I went into the kitchen stunned to get the coffee.

We sat for a while in silence with neither of us daring to look at each other. Then she said: "How are you?"

"Very good", I said. "Especially now that I'm a porn star."

She snorted derisively and was shaking as she put her cup down on the low table. "I know that our relationship was never the best and I also know that that's my fault."

"I wouldn't have said it so directly, but yes."

She smiled wistfully and her eyes displayed a hint of sadness, which did actually make me feel sorry for her. She looked older now than she did when we last met. Now, I also noticed that the grey bun in her hair wasn't as perfect today as it usually was. She appeared to have just tied up her hair half-heartedly. She put her hands in her lap and removed a few bits of invisible fluff from her black skirt.

"I'm sorry. I know I wasn't a good replacement for your mother. Most of the time I just ignored you or tried to drive you on to achieve more and more." She sighed and I waited uncertain about what was actually happening here. "Your mother would probably have been disappointed in me, but I found it difficult to look at you every day. You not only look like her, you also move like her and you even talk like her. I know I should have loved you exactly like I loved her."

"You don't have to say anymore. I know why you were so distant towards me," I said in amazement and also in relief at the fact that she was suddenly opening up to me. My fingers were shaking as I lay them on her hand and stroked her gently. Tears were welling up in both of our eyes as we looked at each other.