How deep are you willing to go?

The plant.

So, I ordered this plant from amazon a week and some change ago. I've been investing in my mother's place now that we finally have the space to do so. This quarantine has given me new energy to cater to making my home a home for me and my sisters. However, I believed this plant to be fake. Didn't really look too much further into it and it was sitting in my cart for weeks. Eventually it was purchased and without knowing, it was a very real plant. Great, now I have something to take care of. Tried to cancel it but, of course no luck there. Ever since the purchase I have been thinking about how; well I don't know how to take care of a plant and I would do my best but, eventually I'll have to order a fake one like I originally wanted. I then went on with trying to see where I could put it for the best light and still, I have no idea where I am going to fit this damn thing in my living room. Perfect right? Not. Anyways, last week was an interesting week for me and yesterday was no more than a world wind of extreme emotions about many different things in my life right now. I am home not by choice, I am not working but, trying to find new ways to be productive and thinking about my future after this virus and, I also came across this guy that well let's just say had swept me off my damn feet. All these things have simultaneously come to a standstill. I am still processing how I truly feel about everything. It is now Wednesday, and my plant is expected to come today. Me being who I am, I am over thinking about this plant. There must be an actual reason as to why it is on my mind as much as it is; for all it's just a damn plant. Then I thought, maybe there is a reason I ended up with a very real plant instead of a fake one. I mean, I just wanted it for the aesthetics. I had it sitting in my cart and I was going back and forth checking products to make sure it was exactly what I wanted and worth the price. I never checked this plant out further. It started to make more sense as I thought deeper into my feelings currently. I wanted something fake because at the time there it would be, beautiful, long lasting, and no responsibility. I'd have the aesthetic but, without all the labor that comes with a real plant. Plants are very much dependent on my ability to pour life into it and keep it alive. Maybe I have so much doubt about it because I need that in my life now. I am absolutely tired of this block I have when it comes to feeling real things. I have spent the last couple of years of my life voiding myself from feeling real things in my personal life. I guess I can admit I do horribly when it comes to that sometimes. It hasn't done anything but, cause me to stay stagnant with my emotional growth. I want more than to pour life into myself, love into myself, love into people I care about, love into my passions. I never do though because I always take the easier route that keeps me from dealing with it. What if shit don't work out, you know? After all, if I can control the outcome of something, the safer I feel with the choice. I have once felt very real emotions with love, experienced putting real effort into my hobbies and passions and I have had to sacrifice it all for various reasons. It didn't destroy me but, it broke a part of me that I haven't been able to recover from. I know someone might read this and be like, "Kenya, it's just a damn plant" and I would have to disagree. The universe always gives us things we don't know we need because we get caught up on things, we think we want. Maybe I'll be able to give this plant what I have been dying to give to myself, maybe it'll show me how to give the things I lack, to myself. Shit, maybe it'll fucking die. I am just hoping that by giving love to this plant, nurturing this plant...

I'll learn how to nurture myself...