How deep are you willing to go?

A Father's Love: Impressionable.

This here is going to be hard for me to get through but, I will because it is more than necessary to finally let go of this dead weight I am holding on to. We shall start this off light because things between my father and I have not always been sour. Nonetheless, there are three stages of emotions I believe are important for me to dissect as I unearth these repressed memories I have experienced growing up with my father. As a black girl, having your father around is particularly important. I know as black women we are stigmatized with the single parent, strong woman, independent, she can do it on her own categorization. It was not until I recognized the pain many black women deal with when it comes to men that I started to see how flawed this narrative is. No woman should have to raise children on their own and men should not believe that this so called "superwoman" characterization of us is a compliment. What happened to the "It takes a village to raise a child." Does that not apply to men? I am sure women of all races may understand what this feels like but, because my experience and the experiences of many who look like me are similar; I will be focusing on how this affects us as black women. I wish I did grow up with a full-time dad but, I did not, and it has caused me much discontentment with how I have relationships with men and also with the lack of love I have for myself at times. I was a daddy's girl even though he was not always around. If I had the capacity at an early age to see how him showing up whenever it suited him would manifest the idea that men in my life could and should come around when ever they felt like it, I would tell my mother that this isn't the way your child deserves to experience love from their father. I cannot really fault her, most of her life she grew up similar. I also understand trying to protect your children and giving them a fair chance at knowing who their father is to begin with. My mother never put my dad on child support and was incredibly open with allowing this man to do as he please when it came to us. However, I will not discount that I have had plenty of male influences in my life outside of my father and I will say that I am appreciative of where they stood in when my father did not.

It is true though, things have not always been sour. I admired my dad a lot as a child. He is a funny man, strong, works hard, and a true Trinidadian with soul. He is flawed as many men are but, that does not excuse him for the many things I have witnessed as a growing black girl. My father has always been very disrespectful to my mother. The disrespect I was oblivious to because I was not fully capable of knowing what was being displayed. As I got older, I did realize that seeing how my dad would treat my mother made me believe she was at fault for him not being around as he should have been. Unhealthy as that is, these are the things we should be cognizant of because we tend to place the faults of a man on women. As women we also must set healthy boundaries with men regardless if they are the fathers to our children. Anyways, I was eager to see him and enthusiastic as most children are with their parents; especially in our situation since when he came around it was always about having fun. My dad works for an airline so he was always capable of taking me and my sisters on trips for free and when he was in town, he would take me to go see his side of our family. My mother was never apart of any of this, which I will elaborate more on later. My dad has other children with another woman and at the time I was just fortunate to feel like I had more siblings but, we were never that close due to the fact that me and my sisters are a product of a man stepping out on his marriage. My mother loved this man though. Many times, he would come over and all her attention would be on him. We would get the typical take out food or go to a restaurant and then within a day or two my dad would be back to his other life in Florida.

I do remember how much my mother catered to my father and treated him like a king whenever he was around. It was as if we were not even there sometimes. I could hear the insults in my head, and it enrages me that she sat there taking that and, as kids we were right there laughing because we did not know any better. My mother's lack of love for herself is something that is locked in my subconscious because my father also insulted us in the same manner. My body type was always a topic of discussion for him. As a mother you should have put your foot down and told the father of your kids that this isn't ok but, with my mom taking daily insults about various things I am sure she did not see the potential harm it would cause. I so desperately wish she could see what this would do to her kids in the future. She did not know that she was teaching us that love came with enduring emotional and verbal abuse. Outside of that my dad was not big on really getting to know me and my sisters. No phone calls unless we called him, and I am more than certain that must stem from the lack of affection and love he received from his own parents. I am older now and I try to keep that in mind when I think about our relationship. I am more than certain he projects his own lack of self-worth and value onto people around him and as his kids we felt the brunt of this shit. I was impressionable though. I wanted my father to love me, I wanted to feel safe and protected, I wanted to be nurtured and valued the way I see other fathers with their daughters. For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me and I still do. I was willing to go great lengths to be his favorite daughter, be someone he was proud of, until last year. I started to notice that I have become my biggest critic and I needed constant reassurance of my beauty and worth as time went on. Me and my dad are not currently speaking and there was plenty of build up before I decided that it was no longer my responsibility to force a relationship with this man. I started to hate him not only because of what he has done to my mother but because, I have been in many situations where I knew he should have been there for my family and I enabled his lack of action with us as if it was acceptable.

I always think about this scene from Fresh Prince and wonder how many of us as black children watched the scene above of Will and Uncle Phil and it felt too close to home. The pain that one feels to have your father pop in when he wants and even though you know it is not right you are beyond thrilled to be spending time with them; just for them to drop the ball again and again when they up and leave with no regard for you and your feelings. I cry every time I see that scene because it is just a permanent reminder that I may never really experience a father and daughter bond like the one I envisioned all these years. I never had my dad there to uplift me, teach me things and, show me how a man loves a woman. So, I will admit I went looking for it and on my search for this love and attention it led me right into the home of a man who would rape me...