white

"Of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?"

- Albus Dumbledore

Everyone says the hardest part is remembering the small things, but I think it is when you forget them. You forget the way she made her sandwiches or the exact sound of his laugh. And people say the scariest part is when you feel too much, and the sadness begins to drown you. But I think it is when you don't feel anything; from the moment you get up in the morning, to the moment you go to bed. When you feel empty and hollow, living a life that you watch through someone else's eyes.

I felt like that every day, floating through my daily routine. I felt like a ghost, so I dressed that way too. All in white; I went from school, to the library, to my house and then to bed.

Why do people wear white to weddings? Is it supposed to be happy? Everything else that is white is scary. White is the color of a vampire's teeth, sharp nails, clouded eyes, ghosts. Even heaven. Isn't death the most feared and the hardest to reach. It would be so much easier to do whatever we want and go straight to hell. And maybe people wear white at weddings because it is scary, you are taking a leap of faith and promising to love someone forever. I am not wearing white at my wedding.

White is even more empty than black. Sure black is the color of darkness, but there is a sense of safety in the unknown. White light, is blinding. It is the kind that keeps you up. It burns your eyes, leaving a lasting thereafter you look away. White light can damage.

Even though black is associated with dirt or cleanliness, wouldn't it be better to have a stain from when your mother spilled ketchup, or when your brother painted than to have a sparkling wall with only memories of bleach.

Lately, I haven't been able to sleep, so my dad had to give me special pills that pulled me deep under, with no dreams. I would wake up in the morning remembering only darkness. My day went from darkness to darkness. And maybe it was better that way, so I wouldn't have to see them. Or maybe I would just see white.

-O-O-O-

I was finally able to go back to school after several weeks of staying in the hospital. After a month of not feeling, I had snapped and needed to be hospitalized because my body shut down. It was like I had been storing up all the emotion to just let it all come rushing out at once.

I had just been going into the kitchen to get a snack when I saw Caleb. My body started shaking and I reached out hesitantly. He was there just like he had been before the car ride; his black curls framing his face, just hanging loosely over his ears. He was facing away from me, but when he turned he wasn't smiling.

"Caleb"

His face twisted into confusion.

"Caleb, it's me, your sister"

as I looked deep into his eyes, I searched for some hint of remembrance, but all I saw was blackness. Dead eyes staring back at me. He didn't recognize me anymore, it had been too long. He didn't know me. 

I started to back away, this was not my brother. my brother would remember his sister. 

The sound of my heart beat sped up, I could hear the blood rushing through my ears. My chest rose and fell, it's rhythm ragged. A faint ringing sound started to echo around my mind and my head grew dizzy. My vision started to bob up and down, my body swaying side to side, almost as if in a trance. I was too weak to fight it. 

I stumbled forward, until my toes hit the kitchen island. I struggled to remain upright, but my knees buckled. As I fell, my hands reached out towards the counter, trying desperately to grasp for purchase. But it was too late and my head came crashing down on the clean white tiled floor.