With and Without (Destiel)

Chapter 6: Got Into A Fight? aka Sinking Deeper Into Depression

WARNING: Dean inflicts pain upon himself in this chapter. While its not traditional self harm, beware. You can skip over the majority of it if its triggers you.

        Days passed. Weeks passed. And Dean, despite however hard he tried to say that nothing was wrong, that he was okay, was starting to realize that he, indeed, was not. But Dean was always such a person who lived solely in denial and treated his own feelings with abuse, if not ignoring them altogether. He certainly could not let Sam see. Couldn’t let Sam have to feel responsible for him. It was supposed to be the other way around. Always the other way around, for years and years and years and though Dean wanted his mom back with all he had, he knew the circumstances and in all honesty would not change them for the world. Would not change from his big brother role, taking all of the responsibility so Sammy wouldn’t have to. So Dean came to a consensus, without really having to give it much thought, and decided that he would not show Sam.

        But Samuel Winchester was a smart kid. And if there was anyone in this god-forsaken world he lived in that he knew like the back of his hand, it was Dean. He had recognized the brick wall that Dean showed the world and realized that every day it was growing thicker. Sam had noticed this behavior for several weeks, yet could not be sure of what exactly was going on – because being able to tell when his brother was keeping his feelings bottled up and determining what those feelings were were two entirely different things.

        Nonetheless, Dean hid from Sam. Sam couldn’t possibly know even slightly about what was going on, now could he? And Dean planned to keep it that way.

        However, it was becoming increasingly harder to fake his smiles, to laugh as he used to. Just being around Sammy had used to be enough to get a proud grin off of the older Winchester’s face, but now it was a surprise – a pleasant one, yes – but a startling surprise when he felt his facial muscles twist into a genuine smile.

        He became more and more immersed in his thoughts, often lying awake at night and thinking about that one time when he should have prevented Sammy from getting injured. All the times before when he had screwed up, as well. About when Dad would return and would Dean fail again to save his younger brother? Dean ended up thinking so much that four hours of sleep soon became a luxury, and Dean was usually pleased if he had two hours between two separate nights.

        Because of all of this, Dean fell into a schedule that he dreaded more and more with every repeat. Get up; drive Sammy to school; go to work; go home; converse with Sam if he wasn’t too busy with his advanced homework (the slight highlight in his day); think and think until exhaustion overtook him and he passed out. It was a sickening schedule, with the days dull and gray as if he was stuck in an Abbot and Costello movie. Except, without the humor.

        Seeking for a change in his schedule, and hoping desperately that it would bring some color into his routine, Dean woke up one day with the decision to go to the gym.

        “Alright, alright.” Dean hung up his phone. “Okay Sammy, I just talked to Bobby and he’s letting me skip a day of work. Now, I’ll be at that gym over on 4th street, and my phone will be on as alwaysl you know my number.”

        Sam stifled a yawn. “For starters, it’s Sam. And second of all, yes, Dean, I’ve known your number for years now. I can also take care of myself.”

        “We all know you’d be a mess without me.” Dean smirked, close to a smile, but not close enough. He reached over to try and mess up Sam’s hair, but Sam ducked out of his reach. Feigning hurt, Dean threw the keys in Sam’s direction.