With and Without (Destiel)

Chapter 19: Oh No (You guys will want to read this one)

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 TRIGGER WARNING: Although no self harm happens, he comes close so if that bothers you, skip through it, I really care about your guys' feelings/emotional state.

        After all four of them had gone to sleep the previous night, Dean awoke the next morning to see light filtering in through the curtained window. Raising his head groggily, he looked to the ground and his heart seized in his chest.

        Cas lay curled up in a bundle of blankets on the floor, the sunlight shining across him and seemed to focus around Cas’ bedhead hair, like an aura or halo of sorts. His shirt had ridden far up on his torso, and exposed a near-perfect six pack. Dean grumbled to himself that it was too early for morning wood. He couldn’t stop his eyes from roaming all over Cas’ sleeping body – from his slightly prickly jaw to his legs that were clothed in darn basketball shorts to his feet that lay relaxed on some pillow.

        Dean had the temptation to roll off of the couch and kiss Cas, kiss him so that Cas would wake up. But he shook it aside a moment later, because he had no idea how Cas would respond and the entire thing was almost frightening.

        Cas rolled over and let out a sigh through his perfect lips and Dean was too distracted to realize Sam was already up until he felt a soft smack on the back of his head.

        “Jeez, Sammy!” Dean whisper-yelled and turned back to face his smirking younger brother, who was wearing that stupid apron. Dean made mental note to ask Sam about this Gabe later. Right now, he was a little too busy observing sleeping Cas.

        Sam just made a small coughing noise and moved to wake up Charlie, who was squeezing her Hedwig stuffed animal to death.

        Maybe twenty minutes later was when Cas finally woke up, yawning. “Morning.”

        His voice, deep even when fully awake, was scratchy and rough and Dean tried not to think about it too much, shifting to get more comfortable. “Good morning, Cas.”

        “Do you mind if I use your shower?”

        “No; go ahead,” Dean said, and watched Cas get up and move towards the bathroom, his fine ass disappearing as the door closed behind him.

        And of course soon after Dean heard the shower turn on. Don’t think about Cas in the shower, don’t think about Cas in the shower, no, don’t think about him naked, Dean chanted to himself in his head. But the effort was futile and he reached to get another blanket to cover up his boner.

        When Charlie and Cas left later that day, it was with an endearing goodbye. Cas’ hair was still wet, and Dean wondered what it would feel like sifting through his fingers. He felt the feeling in his chest swell as Cas left with a smile and a “Good bye, Dean.”

        And Dean smiled back, cheeks hurting from being stretched too wide.

        It was raining.

        Cold, heavy. Dark. The rain poured down and the world had been silenced, had had all light sucked out of it. All life, even.

        That’s how it appeared to Dean.

        The raindrops were tears of agony, the thunderous sky closed, foreboding.

        It had happened so suddenly. Dean’s depression monster had very nearly disappeared, but now it was back. Or maybe it had never gone away, and that scared him. The weather was a mirror of himself – there was a certain weight in his chest that made it painful to make simple movements. The hole that had been stitched up was open and raw and every droplet of rainwater was able to penetrate it.