Millisecond Bliss

9. Making Good On A Promise

"Mpho Tshivhase is a South African philosopher whose research aims to answer the question on whether uniqueness is an element of personal development that is worth pursuing at the expense of other things.

I've always wondered this myself. There are things about me that set me apart from the norm and I love those parts of me, but is exploring these parts of myself more important than preserving the interpersonal relationships I have? For example, my sexuality, sure my parents and friends are accepting of it for the most part but for a brief moment before I came out, it honestly seemed like I had to make a choice between living my truth and having strong interpersonal relationships. Sure, if my relationships were strong, I shouldn't have worried about this being a thing but it's not that simple. Well, it wasn't for me. I felt like my relationships were strong on the basis of who the people I cared about thought I was, now for me to change that perception a little, especially with some of them being raised in discriminatory households, was more than a challenge. I wanted to explore the freedoms of being out and proud, even if it was only with a select few, and even though in the end my friends were amazingly supportive, I couldn't help but wonder what would've happened if the situation didn't work out in my favour. Would I have cut out all the people that didn't accept me or would I have been patient with those that couldn't immediately be supportive and suppressed a part of myself to comfort them?

"I don't know, I just think a lot sometimes. My mum says I care too much about my friends and I agree, I've known them too long to be okay with not being friends with them anymore. To answer Mopho's question, I don't think it's always worth it because sure, your uniqueness is precious but it's what sets you apart not what entirely defines you. So yeah, maybe sometimes you should tell the world to fuck off and live your best life. But sometimes, putting your relationships ahead of your uniqueness isn't so bad," I sigh, somewhat done with my little rant. This rant was in response to Felicity asking me how many people I was out to. The question warranted a simple one sentence response but instead I found myself giving an unnecessarily long speech.

"I'm glad you shared that with me," she pauses, internalizing my speech for a second. "I think so too, I guess that's why I've been putting off telling my family that I don't quite want the future they've laid out for me. But in my case, I know what's best for me is my uniqueness and by pursuing that I will be losing a lot less than I would otherwise," she seems almost disbelieving of her own words; it's as if she hopes by saying what she believes out loud, it will somehow make it more true.

"I hope so," is all I say in response.

We are procrastinating going back home. My parents left soon after my coming out and granted me as much space as I thought I needed. So, sure, for the most part, my parents are now aware of my situation, but I still don't feel like leaving this town. As for Felicity, she's still terrified of telling her truth to her parents, understandably so, therefore has not been particularly eager to leave either. She still looks a little distraught. Although she hides it well, I can see through her composed veneer.

"I'll be right back," I say as I get up to talk to Dionte.

"Okay."

When I find him, he's whipping up a few cold brews. After my parents left, a torrent of customers flooded the restaurant, no doubt because it was lunch hour, so Dionte had been fairly busy attending to them for the past half hour.

"When does your shift end?" I ask him.

"About ten minutes ago, my replacement is late, as usual, so I'm just waiting for him, why?" he raises a quizzical brow.

"I just wanted to know if you could take Felicity and I to the cliff near the edge of town, I've been there once but I've completely forgotten the directions."