The Intimacy Of Longing

II

Ramuda continued to cry, unable to stop. The flood gates had been opened, and it was going to be a little while before they closed again. He just needed to get all his emotions off his chest, cry it out, relieve some of that aching in his heart that he had felt for years. However, Jakurai holding him and kissing him DID make him feel better; after all, it was his love and comfort that he had missed all this time. He nuzzled into Jakurai, cries slowly turning into silent weeping. The doctor was warm, like a blanket of comfort. It made him sleepy, but he didn’t want to sleep yet. He wanted to spend more time with Jakurai, the love of his life, the only person who had ever captured his heart.

Jakurai could tell Ramuda needed a moment to just cry, so he held him, rubbing his back carefully and gently to help comfort him. He wondered if the boy would end up tiring himself out to the point of sleeping, as much as he wanted for him to rest he also couldn't help but dread it. Because he knew that the other would go back to normal when he went to sleep.. he kept his arms wrapped securely around the smaller male, holding him against him as he himself sat back against the arm of the couch, allowing for Ramuda to more or less lay on him in a sense. He shut his eyes delicately for a moment as he stayed quiet now, gathering his thoughts, knowing no matter what he said the other would continue to cry, it seemed he had been holding a lot in. His very long straight hair cascaded around them, enveloping Ramuda in a seen of purple strands as he was held close.

After what felt like an age to Ramuda, he stopped crying altogether, just staying quiet for a bit. He felt safe in Jakurai’s arms, like he was home. Somewhere he was cared for and loved. It had been a long time since he had felt like that. He gently looked away from Jakurai’s chest to see that they were practically enveloped in his long, purple hair. He reached out to play with it gently, curling it around his finger. He used to love playing with Jakurai’s hair, putting it into ponytails and braids and pigtails when he wanted to laugh. Just the act of brushing through it was soothing. He was like Rapunzel.

Jakurai noticed as the boy grew quiet, he wondered if he had fallen asleep, but when he opened his eyes to look he felt as some of his hair was gently grabbed and could feel as it was twisted around what seemed to be the other's fingers, he smiled softly, remembering all the different hairstyles the male would put his very long hair into. He never minded when he would do so as it always entertained the other while also being a relaxing experience for him, he didn't know why but he wanted to speak, he wanted to say something to the other, tell him he loved him and missed him more than anything even if he had already admitted to missing him earlier, he was just trying to use this situation as much as he could to try and get his own feelings off of his chest while he still could.

In his drunken, emotional haze, Ramuda suddenly had a little moment of clarity. He let go of Jakurai’s hair and reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone. “I’m done lyin’. Done acting like I’m fine all the time. I’m gonna record what I say next, and even if I’m acting like an asshole tomorrow, don’t let me forget about this” he slurred, voice just a little hoarse from crying. He went into his voice memos and hit record, looking up at Jakurai. “I never wanted to leave you. I know things were tough when TDD broke up, but I regret letting our relationship get caught up in that...” he hiccuped. He looked back down. “Never stopped loving you...it hurts to be so mean to you and act like I mean it...”

Jakurai felt as his hair was let go and he moved to sit up a touch more, his gaze fell onto the other, noticing as he took out his phone. He stayed quiet as he listened to him talk, nodding calmly towards the end, "alright, I won't let you forget." He spoke calmly noticing the slight hoarseness of the other's voice due to all the crying he had done, before he knew it their gazes met and Ramuda began to confess to him what he had always wanted to say as well, the blame wasn't on just one of them no, it was both of their faults for letting the relationship get caught up and fall apart. He carefully moved to cup Ramuda's face with his hands, his gaze never leaving the other, "Ramuda.. I feel the same way completely, I never would have thought to hear my own thoughts come from your mouth but all this time.. we shared the feelings of regret and desire... I love you, even now, and I have never stopped loving you, honestly, I don't think I ever will stop.." His deep vouce was gentle with a soft sadness to it, he had missed the other unreasonably and had had multiple times where he desired to call and talk to him, try to rekindle or at least apologize for his part in the relationship failing but the guilt was too strong and he simply hadn't felt that anytime before this was right.