Scared Of Dreams

Chapter 4: Please talk to me

 ~ Trigger warning: mention of rape ~

Amaryllis P.O.V.

[Five months later]

I really like it here. I stopped making videos and I have more friends than I had before. I missed Dan and Phil when I first got here, but now I know I don’t’ need them. I am strong enough to survive on my own. I never was the kind of girl that loved partying but now I freaking love it! I love everything about it, letting go of reality, attention of hot guys,…

At this time I’m unaware that that last thing is going to change everything.                 

Me and my friends are currently at a party. My vision is a bit clouded by the smoke machine (and maybe a bit by alcohol). I’m standing in the dance floor, I’m having the time of my life. The guy I’m dancing with makes me feel beautiful, I love the attention. I gladly accept the drink He is offering me.

 [ten minutes later]

I’m giggling like a little school girl, I can barely walk. I know I’m outside, it’s too cold to be inside. I don’t know where I am.  I’m not scared until I feel someone’s hands on my body. The hand are sliding of my dress. I don’t’ know what to do! I try to scream but I got silenced by a hand. Both his hand are on my hips, who’s hand is covering my mouth? I hear the laughs of three guys, apparently it’s amusing to see someone trying to get away when that person clearly knows the is no way out. Hands are gripping on my body…

I don’t know how long it lasted. I felt like a toy that got passed on from one guy to the next to the next and back to the first. I don’t’ know when they got tired of me, I don’t’ know how often they took advantage of me. All I know is I have to leave and I have to leave now.

I’m sitting in my car (We came to the party I my car.). I’m desperately trying to call my friends. I call everyone again and again and again… No one is picking up, I know I can’t call my family. I can’t’ call them I can’t’ call them in this situation. That is when I see a name in my contacts, the name of one of the two guys I was trying to forget. Dan.

I dial his number with shaking hands. “Hello?” I hear his soft voice on the other end. I don’t’ know what to say. “hello?” He speaks again. “Sorry, I shouldn’t’ have called!” I quickly cry. Before I can hang up I hear his voice say “What’s wrong? Don’t’ hang up. What’s wrong Amaryllis?! Talk to me!” I can hear he is worried. “I…I…I can’t… I can’t explain…not over the phone…. please don’t hang up.” I won’t hang up. ”I don’t’ hear his words I just keep crying and talking. “please don’t hang up, I don’t want to do anything stupid.” I know Dan is trying not to panic. “everything will be fine.” He says. I know he is trying not to sound like he is panicking but he can’t hide the panic in his voice. “I want to hold you.” I say when my crying died down.

Without thinking I start my car. “Don’t do anything stupid!” I hear Dan panicking. I won’t if you keep talking to me.” I say while speeding off leaving my ‘friends’ behind on the party.

“What are you doing.” He says after a moment of silence. “ I coming home.” I simply say. “What you mean?” I hear his confused voice. “I‘m driving to England.”

I only stop driving to text my mom I’m going to visit Dan and Phil, I know she will be mad but…

Dan keeps his promise, he keeps taking to me. I drive trough the country, I take the boat an drive all the way to London.

Now I’m standing on his doorstep. This time I don’t’ hesitate and knock immediately. Dan opens the door and I fall in his arms. I’m crying and I keep crying.

When we reach the lounge he is still telling me “I will be ok.” When we sit down on the soft sofa I realize I never told him what’s wrong. I don’t’ want to tell him but I have to. I open my mouth but the words I speak aren’t the words I wanted to speak. “Where is Phil?” I ask. “Up north with is family.” Dan says. Now he realizes I never told him what happened. “ What happened” he says in a worried voice.

“I…I…got raped.” I manage to choke out. His grip on me only tightens. And I can feel tears falling in my hair. I tell him everything I remember. He is still holding me. “ don’t’ you think I’m a disgusting slut?” I ask him. “Why would I think you are an ‘disgusting slut’, it’s not your fault a group of guys decide to rape you!” he cries. “I drank and went outside with him and…” I say but he cuts me off. “ It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.” He slowly says. I just nod.

“I feel dirty.” I say after an moment of silence.

“Come on, I will show you the bathroom” he says while picking me up.

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A/N It took me very long to write this, I hope it’s alright.

Idk if I want Amaryllis to fall in love with Dan or Phil? What do you guys think?

What do you guys think of the name Amaryllis anyway? (her name is the same as the flowers on the cover)

Please give feedback :)