Hearts are strange

Chapter 1

"Stop it.... Please come back to me, claim me....How can you be so cruel to leave the hand you held?.... Please! I can't live without you.... I love you so much!.... Please don't break me anymore.... FUCK!!!...."
I woke up startled, with my head burdened with uneasiness. Not again! I hated those hallucinations and nightmares, now that they appeared almost every night. I felt drops of sweat dripping down my eyebrows and my temples. I hastily rubbed them off with the palm of my hand and switched on the bed lamp. Under the dim white light, I felt my scars embedded deep inside my skin. Every single scar was distinct and intentionally done, but those did not bother me so much as the scars I bore mentally. Everything reminded me of her, and brought tears into my eyes. A plethora of thoughts started running through my mind: "Stop being a kid now Joe.... It's have been months now since she left, forget her.... She's not returning anymore, she's happy, stop keeping up your hopes.... Stop hurting yourself...." I kept shouting all these in my mind.

Things were really going hard on me, and none sort of motivation seemed to mend up my broken pieces. I realised how much I needed her. She perfectly handled me, my insecurities, my stupid mood swings, my dumbness and so much more. She would be the dream girl for any boy, be he stubborn or sweet, dominant or submissive. She was just perfect, flawless and too much cute and beautiful for sure. She did hurt me so much, still I kept loving her like anything.... Yeah that's me, stupid Joe. It wasn't her fault too in breaking the relationship. Maybe I was too stupid, maybe I was undeserving of her, maybe she lost interest.
All depended on the shitty 'maybe', which pissed me off even more. Was I that bad....

I slapped myself hard across my face. Jesus! It did hurt. But somehow, the physical pain outdid the mental pains that my stupid heart was giving me. I got up from the bed with my eyes still sleepy, and went to the balcony. The fresh and cool air brought back some senses into my head. I looked up and dilated my pupils, in order to admire the beauty of my city, the Yunan islands. For me, perhaps it was one of the most beautiful places in the world. The beach was clearly visible, along with the vast stretch of coconut trees. The ocean seemed to be never ending, just like my pain. I leaned forward and tried looking at the mountains on the extreme left. They looked so attractive in the moonlit night. The mountains always reminded me of my relationship with her: charming and very beautiful from far away, but as one drew close, he could easily notice the big, unable to be mend cracks and faults in it. I looked up at the moon. It again reminded me of her beauty. Why was I thinking about her so much that day?

A distinct buzzing sound interupted my fantasies. My phone was ringing. I went inside and checked the clock, it was almost 2:30 am. Who could it be calling so late? I picked up the phone, and the name popping on the screen made me worry a lot. It was Marcy, my good friend maybe, I had no idea. I really was unsure about her relation with me. I received the call, and very nervously managed to utter a 'Hi'.

'Hi' came the response, anxiety clearly visible in her voice.

I asked,"What happened?"

"Um.... No nothing, just.... Sorry to disturb you by calling so late."

Her stuttering made me anxious.

"All fine? You may share anything you want to....", I said.

"No just.... I'm sorry, bye, take care.", she said and hanged up.

I was taken aback again! It was so un-Marcy like tone. The most cheerful girl I knew was now just, left so broken. I couldn't help but call back.

"Hey what's wrong?"

"Nothing, leave it. You doze off." came the reply.

"I am not sleepy right now, and obviously won't be able to sleep while you remain fucked up."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to worry you. Shit! I'm dumb."

"No need to be sorry. Just calm down and stop thinking much."

"I miss my father so much! He was everything for me." she started to sob.

"Don't cry please, be strong and stern. I'm sure your dad is up there, smiling at you and eagerly waiting his daughter to move on with a big smile on her face." I tried to console her.

"I'm not strong at all, I'm just ruined."

"You're very strong Marcy. Stronger than most other people out there. Just never demean yourself ever and keep loving yourself always. You're special, remember that, and are also meant to do great things in life." I kept consoling her.

"How do you do that?!" she was amazed.

"Do what?"

"Make me so special and Always motivate me to move on. You go through so much shit daily, and still you managed to...." she broke down.

"Please don't cry Marcy. I'm always there for you. Just ping me up whenever you need me. Now stop thinking about all those and go to sleep. And please do take care, nothing stupid!" I sort of scolded her.

"I will sir! You take care too." she was giggling. I liked her being playful and cheerful.

"Bye" I said.

"Bye. See you tomorrow at school" she said and hanged up.

Jesus! I had almost forgotten that school would reopen that very day, after the Christmas vacations. And the saddest part was that I had to confront my ex at school. Last time when we parted for the vacations, we were together, but this time things would be damn toxic. To be honest, I was not ready for it so fast for sure. It wasn't that fast though, a month or two were over since our breakup. As for Marcy, she had lost her father on the Christmas Eve. It was very sad indeed. The worst part was that it was a car accident and the car was being driven by Marcy. Though she had absolutely no fault in that accident, still she kept blaming herself for her father's death. That was the cause of her severe mental breakdown, which she recovered a week ago. So I didn't knew how to approach Marcy either. Things were really fucked up indeed!

My head started hurting because of so much overthinking, and so I decided to doze off.

I laid down flat on my bed for minutes, continuously looking at the clock and the ceiling, and waiting for fatigue and sleep to engulf me. As for sleep, it wasn't a medium of relaxation anymore. It had turned into a temporary break from the reality. The reality, which I hated to encounter ever.