NORMAL//Togaraka//Toga x Uraraka

4: Never Trust

author's note: call me doomed yuri jesus because JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS HAS NINE THOUSAND READS WTF?????? tysm???????? was twelve year old me cooking or what

apparently not because holy hell this reeks of "twelve year old wrote this and doesn't know how mental health works or how to portray mental illness in a healthy way" yikes,,, i fixed up what i could, but there really wasn't much to salvage with this one,,, 

tbh i'm prolly just going to re-write this whole fanfic instead of trying to work with its current state!! if i do i'll post it on here + on my ao3(i'm salmonsmoke on there go check out the stuff i've written if u really want to), fat chance that's gunna happen but who knows lol

Toga's P.O.V.:

"I uh... how do I say this... I- I kind of... like you!" 

That sentence Ochaco had just stuttered had thrown me for a loop, back into some of my earliest memories, hidden deep within the recesses of my rotten brain. I could already feel myself slipping, regressing back into the state I'd been in just a few years ago...

I'd already known that she liked me, and I'd known for a long time that I felt the same... Well, I guess I shouldn't really say "the same." You know how I felt. With all people I "love," I... really love them! It's a side of me I've always tried not to show, in fear that someone will notice, and take me away from my family! The League of Villains, my only family... the real ones think I'm dead. How long have they thought that?

They thought I was crazy, for just having... a little crush. Of course, I couldn't stay with my dear Mejika for long... she was taken after I scratched her with some scissors on the playground... I'd run away from the scene of the crime, and as I did, I became her, for just a short while... but my, that short while was one of the best moments of my childhood! 

Her fluffy, cream-colored hair, her face, dotted with freckles, her soft, spotted ears and tail... everything was like her! The only difference is that I didn't feel like her. I looked like her, but I wasn't her, as I so desperately wished I could've been. Then, after only a few meager minutes, her pale hair faded back into my blonde, her freckles melted away, and her ears and tail were gone, leaving phantom limbs behind.

I... needed more- more blood! That was the key. But how? How could I have done that, when the... adults were always around her?  Well... patience is key. Come sixth year, everyone had forgotten about what I'd done, and turned their backs to her. They'd just thought I'd... panicked! Oh! How utterly stupid they were! They thought I was... that word, what was it? Oh! I know!

NORMAL.

I was never normal. I don't think I could ever be... normal.

I was born to be strange, psychotic, crazy, right? That's just me! They've never bothered to see me for who I really am, so I'll show them!

I continued my plan to get my dear, innocent Mejika!  I became friends with her, gained her trust. It was easy, because she was seen as a poor little "teacher's pet," always scrambling towards the closest adult for even a small scrap of attention. I'd seen what happened to her, again and again.

All of the kids only liked her for homework questions! They lied and said that if she did their work, they'd let her in, be her friend! But... they just forgot about her when she was done, and denied it if she asked. They made fun of her for trusting them.

Oh... it pained me to see such a smart girl like her treated like that. So I made them stop. I threatened them, leaving notes that said to stop doing that to her, or else... they'd deal with me. Who was I? I wrote myself as a phantom, something that scares you, even if you know it's probably fake. All you need is the tiniest bit of fear, and they'll water it into their own little flower of terror.

Eventually, most of them stopped, either out of the fear I'd grown with their help, or from simple boredom. The rest grew tired of her, and moved on to someone else. But I didn't- how could I ever have moved on from somebody so wonderful? 

We grew so much closer than I ever could have hoped for that year- I was her only friend, so whenever she was lonely, when she had a problem, or a fun fact she wanted to share, I was always there for her. Mejika... she was there for me too. I never would've thought she could care for someone like me, but even after I told her what my quirk was, she didn't mind! Sure, she thought it was a little weird, but she didn't cry, didn't scream or yell, she wasn't mad, or disappointed, or distraught!

Even when I finally told her how I felt about her... how much I'd liked her all these years, how I wished we were even closer than we had been, she wasn't disgusted, she never thought I was the wretched beast I'd been treated like I was all my life. She liked me too. She made me think, even if it was just for a moment, that I was okay, that I didn't have to prove to anyone that I should be feared. That I was worthy of something, anything.

I just wish with my whole heart that it had lasted.

I was at her house when my phone rang, Meji's ears twitching at the sudden sound, my mother's number lit up on the display. I wasn't sure what she was calling about- maybe she had wanted me home early? I picked up moments later, hoping I hadn't let it ring long enough for her to be mad.

"Oh, hi Mom! What did you-"

"You left your backpack at home before you went over to your 'friend's' place."

Her tone was so cold, I could already feel anger simmering under it, though. I didn't understand why at first. My voice was getting shakier by the second."Why- why would I need it for her house?"

"Maybe so you could pass more of your 'love letters.'"

Everything went numb from that moment on. I couldn't feel how Meji was trying to shake me back to lucidity, hear my mother's screaming, taste my salty tears, or see any chance of my life continuing after something this catastrophic. When I did finally snap out of a state of shock, Meji had her arms wrapped around me, pleading for me to respond. She was so grateful when I told her that I was okay. I knew I had to leave, that I couldn't stay with my mother any longer, that I couldn't be a burden on anyone anymore. I'd have to figure out some way to take care of myself, even if I died trying.

I left her house that night, through her living room window when she was in another room, asking her mom if I could stay for a couple days, at least until I could find somewhere more permanent. The last thing I hear her say was how much I meant to her.

Could I really learn how to love someone again after that? Even with how much I feared for myself, for her? With how much we could lose for the simple fact that we cared for each other? How did I feel about her, really? Was I obsessed with her, or did I really, genuinely love her? Did I even know who I was talking about anymore?

The only thing I could do was try- try to love, even if it ended with catastrophe.

"Ocha! I... I like you too!"

It's all I could do.