𝘍𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯' 𝘍𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 (舞い落ちる花びら) / 𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯

❀𝑔𝑟𝑜𝑤𝑡𝘩

*.·:·.☽✧    ✦    ✧☾.·:·.*

it began a week after that day.

chan woke in the middle of the night: choking and gagging as he quietly made his way toward the bathroom. his eyes were lined with tears, as he clutched at his chest.

he felt his throat burn as petals came into his line of sight. fucking petals.

this can't be happening. not like this.

his vision blurred as he cried out, laying back against the wall. this wasn't fair. the amount of love and attention he gives the boy, the subtle yet noticeable flirtations, and the private smile chan saved just for him. he expressed so much love for his childhood friend, yet this is how the world repays him. is this god telling him he shouldn't love a boy? no, that can't be. this is god telling him to wake up and stop smelling the fucking roses.

jeongin doesn't love him. he never will.

yet coming to that realization, his pain doesn't seem to subside. in fact, he coughs up more petals onto the tiled flooring.

"hyung, are you alright?! it's three am. i hope you aren't getting sick again."

chan hurriedly picked up the scattered petals, trying his best to contain the shakiness that was spreading throughout his body. he can't let jisung see him at his weakest. if the younger caught a glimpse of this, an anxiety attack would immediately kick in. chan can't deal with him while he's already going through one.

"yeah, yeah.. i'm fine." he spat the last remnants of blood into the toilet, quickly wiping at the drying blood on the floor while he tried to catch his breath.

"probably just had too much coffee."

the hallways went silent. after he cleaned himself up, chan found jisung there. standing still in the same exact spot with a drowsy look on his face. cheeks puffy and hair a mess. poor baby jisung, he needs rest.

"look me in the eyes and tell me this is not what i think it is."

chan's eyes shot open, mouth agape as he let go of the door handle. there was no way around it. their baby grew up, he's too smart to fool now.

"i don't know what you're talking about, sungie. i'll be fine! let's go cuddle—"

jisung rolls his eyes, "'i'm okay.' 'i'm fine.' don't bullshit me right now, okay? tell me the truth or i'm telling everyone." they always cared too much about his well-being.

is that why he stuck around?

'cause he considered them his family? he truly doesn't deserve them.

"sung, calm down—"

"don't tell me to do anything right now. you always clutch your shirt, is your chest in pain?" the younger questioned, lifting his hands to take hold of chan's shoulders. chan could feel his intense shaking. see the way his breathing picked up and tears that streaked his slightly chubby cheeks.

it hurts. all the time.

"no, sung." he mumbled gently. moving to embrace the younger boy in a tight embrace.

"i don't want you to end up like woojin-hyung." jisung sobbed, clutching onto chan's sweater with so much force his knuckles were turning white.

there he goes, making someone dear to him cry.

more mumbling occurred whilst jisung cried, but with his head stuffed in his chest it was all muffled. chan knew his babbling was about woojin. yes, he knew what happened to him. his untimely death was caused due to himself. woojin died because he couldn't save him— couldn't love him the way he loved jeongin.

he killed woojin. now it was his turn.

"go lay in my bed, i'll go get you a drink then we could cuddle back to sleep. that sound good?" chan asked, giving him a gentle smile.

the thought seemed to irk jisung, but he nodded his head and let the older go. chan watched as he wiped at his eyes while walking away. familiar warmth disappearing along with it.

this is the path he chose, wasn't it?

"i've done better." chan sighed.

a few moments passed before he made his way toward the kitchen, wiping at his own tears that just never seemed to have an end. it's less painful this way. his friends don't need to suffer along with him.