Confessions. Isn't that what's often done? Forgive me, my knowledge on religion is almost nonexistent. But either way, maybe I should try it. You wanted me to be kind to myself and others. But it remains so hard to do for me..
When I'm told to stop hating myself cause it hurts someone too much. I hate them instead, say things to push them away. Because I feel they're better off without me in their life. But they wouldn't want me to say it. So.. I hurt them.
I keep saying I'll do better with eating. I'm not doing good. At all. I'm close to reaching the weight I swore to myself to avoid reaching. But I can't eat more. There's so much wrong with me and so many things bothering and simply too much stress. Yet I keep saying I eat. And I eat enough. Because I'm terrified of the reality. I can't face it. So I lie. And I risk having things worsen so much more. And part of me still is convinced I'd deserve it. Which doesn't help.
I'm 173 cm/5'7 ft ±, 55 kg. My usual was 56.5kg/56,5 kg. 54 kg is the weight I swore I'd never reach. I'm sorry..
I ruined myself. I talked to someone in a place meant for helping people and receiving help. I met someone while needing someone to talk to because I was feeling down. It turns out he's a lot like someone I used to know. And he hurts me the same. But I'm so conflicted. If I keep chatting maybe I will heal from the other person. But then I'd be stuck with someone else. But it's different, so maybe I could make it work.. Either way. That's not what I want to say. What I do want to say, is sorry that I'm hurting myself again. Accept abuse too easily because it feels like the usual. I'm sorry I'm not giving myself better.
I think that this is all for now. But I'm sure more might happen.. However I can't just end it bad. So I guess I can add in, work will start again on the first of June. It's likely I'll start on the 2nd of June, on Tuesday. I promise I'll make sure it's safe and will decide what to do if it turns out not to be. I know that you want me to keep living my life, and I'm trying. I promise. Even with all I do.. I'm trying, I promise you
YOU ARE READING
I'm Sorry
RandomI can't let go. I've tried, for years. But I can't. Just like I can't stop the tears from falling again. I know that you're gone, truly gone. And we will never talk again. But I can still write to you. And who knows, maybe you are able to read this...
