Some days, I forget why I try
Some days, I wish that for 1 day I could die
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I wish to die again. I'm sorry it took me so long again to write to you. I'm sorry that I'm alive. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you.
I'm sorry that I'm no good for myself or anyone else. I'm sorry that I'm ignoring the pain I'm in. I'm sorry that I just want to cry and give up.
I've just had it. Had more than enough. It's too much. Maybe they're right, maybe I am just forever going to be suicidal and depressed. Maybe it is hopeless for me. Maybe way back they were right, maybe I am beyond saving.
It's so hard not to cry. But I don't deserve to. I shouldn't feel anything. I don't deserve help. I don't even deserve to be here writing to you. I should be all on my own. I should just die so that everyone won't have to fear anymore. I do badly want to escape the pain and the constant bad situations. Many babies born too early get difficulties that mess up their life or they die or I want to believe so. Because maybe that means I can die soon and nobody would hate me, judge me or cry as much. Because then it wouldn't have been suicide, it'd be life.
I know that I'm wrong for having all these thoughts. I know how much hurt I could bring and do bring. And I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. But life is just too difficult for me. It's too confusing. Often too loud, too chaotic. Too maddening, too stressful, too hurtful. And it feels unfair that I can lose so much and so many people, but never my life. I can only hope that tomorrow will be easier, but who knows. I'm alone. I can't talk to anyone. I've hurt too many people already. I either make it out on my own, or I die alone. It's not up to me. None of us control the events that occur in life. It's just a wait. But I am sorry. I'm truly and deeply sorry that I never seem to get better and always end up falling back down. Everyone deserves better than this. But I don't. And maybe that's the problem.
I'm sorry that I burdened you with this. And maybe it won't even be here long, maybe I'll have to delete this chapter. But no matter what, know that I'm sorry. And know that I'd be at peace either way, even if it might take a while. And know that you'll always matter to me, CPC.
YOU ARE READING
I'm Sorry
RandomI can't let go. I've tried, for years. But I can't. Just like I can't stop the tears from falling again. I know that you're gone, truly gone. And we will never talk again. But I can still write to you. And who knows, maybe you are able to read this...
