Changing Speed

CHAPTER NINE: WAS THIS DATING?

That holiday was more of an achievement than I gave it credit for being at the time. I had left the security of my own home and gone to a foreign country to spend time with a group of people that I had never met before. The depression, the anxiety and the panic attacks had all reoccurred when I had not expected them to but I had somehow managed them instead of them managing me. This was a first. It might have proven beneficial had I stopped to give consideration to this management at that time but that would have required more effort than I would have felt I had available. Still I did reach one immediate decision upon my return. I would rest from beer, at least until some blood had found its way back into my alcohol system.

It was not long before I was back into my old routine, a routine that I had never actually being conscious of before now. Being on automatic pilot was the most effective tool I had found to-date to bring about the end of each day with the least amount of effort or pain. It was an effective tool in dealing with the symptoms but it was never going to address the causes. I had become constantly active, rising every morning at five o'clock. No physical alarm clock was ever required. Within thirty minutes of waking I would be walking through the wheat fields a few moments away from my home with my canine companion. He was some days more enthusiastic than others to join me for exercise. Which one of us the exercise was more beneficial for was a debate we never had. At seven o'clock I would be in the village shop buying a morning newspaper and the day's supply of cigarettes. Then I would settle down with a mug of tea and skim through the headlines. Occasionally I might read an article or two but this was a rare experience for me nowadays. I did find myself making futile and often irritating attempts at the crossword puzzle. I had never had the time or the inclination to attempt crosswords when I had been working. I never used the lack of ability to tackle crosswords as an excuse not to try them. I would never have been prepared to admit to such a deficiency, not even to myself.

Slowly, over a period of months, I found that I was being increasingly successful with the puzzles. I can still recall the very first time I actually completed my first crossword in entirety. I had such a feeling of elation. I wanted only to tell somebody how I felt but I could think of nobody that would understand. It was not the fact that I had completed the puzzle that meant so much to me. What I was elated about was that I had concentrated on one thing for over an hour until I had finished the task. Nobody had helped me to focus on this one thing and I had not been compelled to do so. I had not done this because of a habit. I had done this simply because I wanted to. A meaningless achievement that, at the time, meant the world to me. I attempt the crossword most days now, though still with varying degrees of success, but I do it because I choose to and not because of habit.

The automatic pilot would switch the habits back on at around eight o'clock (much later than this and I would be feeling guilty) when I would begin to clean the house, upstairs and downstairs, and thoroughly. A bedroom not in use would be no reason for me not to clean it every day. The remainder of the day would be occupied with anything else that might need to be done or which I could create a need to do such as washing and ironing, gardening or anything else other than washing my car. Doing anything with my car other than driving it to this very day seems to be a totally pointless activity.

Whatever it was that I was doing, I would not be thinking. I don't recall giving this any real consideration being that I was too busy to think, whether that be about the past, the present or the future. Thinking seemed to only ever lead me in one direction emotionally, downwards.

The night time hours, those empty hours after I had walked the dog and locked the door, were often less straight forward to get through. That was until my brother-in-law introduced me to the internet. Even though I'd had a computer for some years I had never thought to explore the wonderful wide world of the internet, a whole new world and one which I could explore from the security of my own bedroom. It would not be long before I would be struggling to go to bed and say goodnight to this World Wide Web.