Changing Speed

CHAPTER TWELVE: WAS THIS ME?

The internet was no place for naivety. As naivety was a place where I most often found myself, the internet and I had to stay away from each other. I tried harder than it did.

I went to several weddings, other people's weddings, so that I might stay in touch with that part of reality with which I wanted to be no part of. I was definite that I wanted no part of that reality. I was absolutely adamant, probably.

My sister's boy was getting married and he wanted me to perform a few songs as part of the entertainment. I was much less than enthusiastic but agreed because my sister wanted it. His wife to be had seen a song from a film that she wanted me to sing as the song that she and her new husband would dance to. I had never heard of the song before this time and I hope to never hear of it again. The song had never been recorded other than for the film and I was not surprised.

Performing the song would be no problem, or so I thought. My confidence proved to be without foundation. As I played the guitar chorded intro I proceeded to forget every single word that I had spent the last month trying to learn. It was neither an attack of nerves nor the effects of alcohol. My short term memory had been shot since my breakdown. It would improve again in time but not quickly enough for the sake of this song or that wedding. I completed the set of songs with a few that were dependent on my longer term memory so saving some credibility, though not much.

I had booked and paid for a double room, intending on stopping overnight after the reception with my current girlfriend. By the time of the wedding I had no current girlfriend. The seating plan for the meal placed me next to a lady who also had no partner and things developed positively throughout the day and into the evening. Even my musical performance did not stop her laughing at my jokes.

The noise of the disco persuaded us to seek the sanctuary of an adjoining room. I was too sober to embarrass anybody by dancing, though I do a mean smooch. The adjoining room contained a more subdued type of guest looking for a quiet conversation or a peaceful drink or in my case, both. The lady was not disagreeable to the idea of enjoying a cooked breakfast with me in the morning or with sharing my double room in the interim period. At least she was not disagreeable until my brother decided to join us and make a somewhat unexpected announcement just loud enough for the entire room to hear.

I became a little apprehensive, having heard some of his announcements in the past. My apprehension was justified as he coughed professionally, stood up from his seat and held out his hand for me to shake. I obediently took hold of my big brother's hand and he gripped it for the duration of his announcement, forcing me to stand at the same time. People had by now suspended their private conversations in anticipation. The news was good news. I felt no better for hearing that. The results had come back from the hospital. Along with everybody else, I had no idea as to what he was referring to and could only hope he wouldn't. He did. He announced that I was clean and that the lady I was with had no reason to be concerned, probably. He found this highly amusing and I attempted to laugh along uncomfortably. I had breakfast alone.

When the same brother's son got married I fell madly in love with the most magnificent pair of legs covered partially by a red dress. Like my nephew and his new wife, the legs belonged to a newly qualified doctor, a chiropractor to be exact. She also regularly took part in pentathlons and was as out of my league as any woman could be. Still that had not stopped me in the past, especially with the assistance of copious amounts of beer. I bought her a few drinks as we chatted by the bar, until my brother came across and told me it was time for me to go to bed. I felt as though I had more recently passed my 11+ examination than I had my fortieth birthday but that made him no less of a big brother even if his sense of humour is somewhat unusual. He still seems to take some perverse pleasure in giving me updates about the progress of the legs in red.