Before We Shatter

06 | The Light of Dawn

That night I lie in bed, willing my thoughts to turn off, if only for a few scare moments of sleep. I keep my eyelids forced shut as I take even, slow breaths, attempting meditation. After half an hour of failing miserably, I drag myself out of bed, hitting my head on the bottom of Jace's bunk. His snoring hitches for a moment, but he doesn't wake.

I rub my head, feeling a small bump forming just above my forehead. Ouch.

The night is as quiet as New York can be, dull horns honking every once an a while with the undertone of light rain slapping the roof. The moon's fluorescent light shines through the blinds, the glint igniting the floor boards. I quietly twist the doorknob and slip into the hallway.

To my surprise, mom's door is open, the faint light of her lamp streaming into the otherwise dark hall.

I follow the light into the room and find her kneeling at her bedside, strands of her hair falling from her bun. She's still in her scrubs, and I see a tear slip down her face.

"Mom?"

She startles. Swallows and wipes the emotion from her eyes. "Hi, sweetie."

"You're home from work?" I whisper.

"They let me go early—I had a headache." She rises from the floor and sits on the bed, motioning for me to come sit beside her. "What're you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep," I mumble, sinking into the bed at her side.

"Nightmares?"

"No. Jace's snoring," I mutter.

She cracks a smile and wraps an arm around me. "Would you like to sleep in here?"

"Really?" My voice is on the edge of breaking, emotion stepping through the cracks.

"Sure."

I squeeze her hand as I stand. As I climb underneath the covers, she tucks me in, her gentle touch sending waves of peace through my bones. I let my body sink into the bed, close my eyes, and for the first time in days, sleep.

• • •

I arise with the dawn. Light trickles through my mother's half-closed blinds, streaking across the bedspread.

My mother's gone. To pull another shift, no doubt.

I stumble back to Jace and I's room, expecting him to still be sound asleep. So I jump when I find him up, fully clothed, pulling on a pair of tennis shoes. He sits on the floor, tying his shoelaces like it's not four in the morning.

"Um, good morning?" I say.

"Where were you all night?"

"Mom's room."

His head snaps up. "Mom's home?"

I shake my head in distain. "Not anymore."

His eyes fall to the floor, sullen.

I trace my bare foot across the floor as he stands up and pulls on his jacket. "Where are you going?" I ask.

"It's where we're going."

"Okay," I say, dragging my bare foot along the floor. "Where's that?"

"The cemetery."

My eyes widen. "When?"

He stands, pulling on his jacket. "Before we shatter."

• • •

I stand at my father's grave, this time with Jace at my side. I lean my head on his shoulder and am happy to see that for once, he doesn't pull away.

The rain is damp on my skin, but I don't let it bother me. The world is passing in slow motion around me, and my heart is thrumming intensely.

A sob bubbles up in my throat, and I let the tears fall, knowing that the hard moments will pass. My brother pulls me into a hug, lets me fall apart. I cry and break and crumble and fall and shake until—

"Are we going to be okay?" I whisper the words into his shoulder, so soft at first I doubt he hears them.

But after a moment he whispers back, "Yes. We're going to be okay."