The Lucky Ones

Chapter 30 - Always Inspiring...

There were no words to express how I felt. I wanted to be hollow and empty, to feel nothing and be nothing, but emotions were raging inside of me and I couldn’t ignore them. The shock had been pleasant in the fact that I couldn’t feel or comprehend anything I was feeling, but shock wore off and opened doors for pain and heartbreak. I didn’t know what I expected, but somehow it wasn’t Harry being there still. I guess a part of me had thought he’d just up and leave. Why? I don’t know. Nothing made sense to me anymore. Nothing would make sense to me for a long time. He was there, though, and he had that teddy bear. That stupid teddy bear. Something in my heart had clenched at the sight of it but I couldn’t keep my hands off it. I was leaning into Harry and I could feel him and hear him crying and I wanted to comfort him, but I just couldn’t. I was so apathetic.

That apathy vanished, though, once I admitted that I had lost something – not just one something but two somethings. The necklace seemed trivial in comparison to the baby, but it was just another thing that tore at me – regardless of how trivial it was. I sank into him and cried and clutched the bear to my chest. He comforted me, but the pain wouldn’t go away. I wished for the pain to stop with each tear that fell, but I knew that wasn’t how pain worked. You could cry and cry and cry until you had nothing left in you, but then there was just a pain in the pit of your stomach that you couldn’t ignore and couldn’t release either. Tears wouldn’t be enough. I had never experienced anything like this. There was no song, no diary entry, and no conversation that covered what this felt like. I could not have prepared myself for it.

There was only crying and sleeping.

When I woke up, it was because Harry was moving off the bed. I went to protest but I saw my mom and instantly clammed up. Harry left and my mom draped her coat over the back of one of the chairs and the silence around us was palpable. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing could come out. Fresh tears appeared in my eyes and I stared at her, waiting for her to say something. I didn’t know what she knew, if she knew about the baby or that I just had an accident, but the silence was something I couldn’t handle right now. I fidgeted with the bear still in my hands and tried to keep the sobbing from happening again.

"Sweetheart," she finally spoke up, her voice that soft murmur it was when I was younger and fell down and skinned my knee. I sobbed then and collapsed against the bed, the pain returning. She climbed up onto the bed with me and once again someone’s arms were around me, trying to protect me from the world and the pain I was going through. "Shhh… it’s okay…." It wasn’t okay. I didn’t know how to tell her that. This wasn’t okay. This would never be okay. I would never be okay again. I didn’t know that such a pain in my life could exist, but here it was. I didn’t know I wanted something so badly until it was taken from me. I was young, I had time for babies, but this baby… Another sob ripped from my throat and my mom held my head to her chest, her hand knotting in my hair gently. "Shhh… Taylor, you’re okay… Let it out… I’m right here."

I don’t know how long I was crying in her arms, but eventually the tears stopped enough for me to talk to her. My mom had always been there for me, she was my confidante and my best friend. Lately I had been pulling away because of everything going on with the media and fans, but I liked to think she understood why I was doing it. She knew I loved her unconditionally and that I just needed to find my footing again. I looked at her, my eyes red and raw, and took a deep breath; “Do you know?”

"About the baby? Yeah, sweetie, I know." She passed her hand over my hair and kissed my forehead, "How far along were you?"

"Three weeks or so. I was going to tell you today…" My voice cracked and I closed my eyes to more tears. "But…"

"Shhh…" Her arms wrapped tighter around me, "What happened? Can you tell me what happened?" I didn’t know if I could or not. It still felt like a bad dream, but I knew I had to tell someone and I hadn’t been able to tell Harry. If I could tell anyone, it would be mom. There was no doubt in my mind about that. I took a shaky breath and nodded a little, but didn’t look at her as I spoke.

"We were at the meet and greet party One Direction was doing for their fans. Harry had asked me to go, so I obviously said yes," I closed my eyes and remembered the way the place looked, so pretty and magical, "It was at that um.. you know that place with the Gone with the Wind staircase I pretended to be Scarlett O’Hara on that one time?" I could feel her smile at me and nod. "Everything was good, you know? Everyone was having a good time and I was standing at the top of the stairs, just looking at everything thinking about how… how happy I was… and then some girl approached me.

"She said some really mean things, but I mean… I’ve read worse things but to actually hear them aloud? It was horrible. I tried to just walk away, but she grabbed at Harry’s necklace that I was wearing and tugged at it. It was like… this awful game of tug of war and I… I must have misjudged the strength of the chain because it snapped and the next thing I knew… I was… I…” I couldn’t finish it even though it was obvious how it ended. My mom hugged me close to her again and sat in silence. I didn’t know what she was thinking. That was the thing with mom, she was always surprising me with her wisdom and thoughts. Just when I thought I understood where she was coming from or how her mind worked… she would change it up and surprise me. I think I got that trait from her.