The Lucky Ones

Chapter 32 - A Decision...

I dropped my purse on the ground and crawled onto my bed, Meredith jumped up onto the bed with me, walking across my back and plopping down between the two fluffy pillows at the head of the bed. Harry crawled up next to me and laid close on his side, his arm draped over my lower back and his head touching mine. “That was rough…” I whispered brokenly as I opened my eyes to look into Harry’s green ones. He kissed my forehead and moved a little closer, as if he could get any closer to me. “That’s the only one we have to do, right?” There was desperation in my voice and I didn’t even bother to hide it. The entire day had been draining and it was finally over and I didn’t have to be brave anymore or keep a smile on my face or try to pretend to be this happy girl that I clearly wasn’t anymore. I could just break down or sleep or cling to Harry and that would be fine. That would be acceptable.

"That’s the only one, love." I exhaled in relief and finally allowed myself to relax into bed. The interview had been horrible. The journalist was nice enough, she seemed genuinely concerned about my wellbeing, but she was still a journalist and that meant she just wanted one thing – a good story. Tragedies struck the world every day and instead of being decent, the media took advantage of the story and spun it to make more and more money, to bring more and more readers or viewers to watch their stories. Everything was money these days, even grief, and it was depressing.  "You did well," Harry murmured into my ear before he placed a kiss on the side of my head and got up to go get something for us to eat. Mom had pretty much stocked the fridge with any kind of food you wanted.

She was supposed to stop by in an hour or so to give me and Harry time to relax from the interview because she hadn’t been able to be there during it. That was okay with me, though. The last thing I needed was to break down in the interview because I could see my mom crying off to the side. I sighed heavily and pushed myself up from the bed in order to change out of my dress and into a simple pair of sweats and Harry’s tshirt he had given me what seemed like forever ago. I stood in front of the full length mirror positioned off to the corner of my room and looked at myself. I didn’t like what I saw. It felt like I was missing something…. A big something. And I was. I was missing my child. My hands moved across my stomach and I fought tears before quickly turning away and forcing myself to forget.

Harry reappeared then and was holding two bowls of Chinese food. It had become a habit for us to eat in bed and talk about trivial things or watch movies. Love Actually had been watched about five or six times since our return to Nashville two days ago. I didn’t know how Harry was able to get out of work, but I didn’t want to ask him just in case I didn’t like the answer. Besides, I was grateful to have him around. No one else really understood what I was going through like he did. I played with the paper airplane necklace that was once again worn securely around my neck. At first, I hadn’t wanted it back. But then I remembered how important it was and how I had lost it once and I knew I had to keep it close to my heart. No one would ever take it from me again.

I climbed onto the bed next to him, shooing Meredith away, and took the bowl of sweet and sour chicken over rice he had made for me. I settled against him and picked up a piece of chicken with my chopsticks. I just didn’t have much of an appetite, really, but I knew I had to eat. Harry kept asking me to nicely, but knew when to drop it. I hated seeing him worried, though, so I ate as much as I could – even if it wasn’t very much. I picked at the pineapple and ate some of the rice, but remained relatively silent as I thought about the interview. I could almost hear Harry’s mind going over it, too. It wasn’t easy for either of us. We had to tell this woman everything about it; when I thought I might be pregnant, when I found out for sure I was, how I told him, what we did after, and then what happened at the fan meet and greet. That was the hardest.

Harry had brought the bear with him to the interview; at first I had been angry at him for bringing something that only brought me sadness. But half way through, that bear became a lifeline. I held it and clung to it and stroked it and it kept from showing that my hands were shaking. That bear and Harry were what got me through the interview without having a complete melt down. I needed to stop forgetting just how easily Harry could calm me down.

The doorbell rang then and as I stood to go and answer it, I heard my mom’s voice ring through the big house. I looked at Harry sadly before going to meet her. I deposited my bowl on the kitchen counter as I passed through it to go to the living room, Harry trailing after me. “Hey, Mom.”

"Hey, kiddo. You doing alright?" She pulled me in for a hug and I leaned down a little to return it full force, shrugging noticeably at the question. When we broke apart, she hugged Harry too, and asked him the same question to which he responded with a shrug and a sad smile. Mom smiled sadly too and then wrapped her arm around my shoulders and led me from the front living room to the cozier ‘family’ room. "You wanted to talk about something?" I had. That’s why I asked her to come here as soon as possible. I wanted to tell her and Harry something.

I looked over at Harry and felt bad at his puzzled expression. I hadn’t mentioned any kind of big announcement to him, because I didn’t want him worrying over it. But now that they were both here, I knew that it was the time to tell them what my big decision was. We sat down, the two of them on either side of me. I leaned with my elbows on my knees and my hands clasped together tightly to stop them from shaking. I could feel them looking at each other over my head. “I’ve made a decision and I wanted for you two to be the first to hear it. I don’t want arguing or anything. This is my decision and there’s no changing my mind on it.”

They both sat up a bit straighter, Harry’s hand went out to take mine and I let him. “Okay…” he stated apprehensively.

"Okay," I took a deep breath, "I am quitting the music industry."