dear december

12.6.14

Dear December,

I'm sorry for all the sad letters and angry writing and rambling. But today, today was really truly horrible. Maybe if I had cried my eyes would feel a little less swollen, but I didn't have enough time and I felt like everyone was looking at me.
 
We had our parade today, and I thought we had it, I even felt good for a while, but we screwed up while we were still in the judging area. I wanted to close my eyes and lay there on the road, because we couldn't recover and there was horse sh.it all over the streets. Ms. S. is pissed off and disappointed as hell at us, and I can't blame her. I'm pissed off and disappointed at myself, too. My shoulders and back were sore and the car was over a mile of walking and weaving through crowds away.
 
I walked back to the bus with my brother's band, figuring that I would cut some distance by waiting there for my dad to come back with the car, but it ended up just worse. I held the bus back twenty minutes because my dad was late and the traffic was bad and the bus driver kept making snide comments and I was ready to slug him. God, I was pissed at him, too and my eyes were swelling but I didn't cry. I wanted to, with everything piling on after the other. And I just wanted my dad to get there, so I could go home and crawl into bed and try to steal back some time I left on the streets banging that drum.
 
I didn't even sleep. My anxieties keep me up and eat me alive so that even the thought of a nap makes me scoff. I just watched a bunch OitNB and maybe I could have realized that things could have been worse, but I didn't. The thing is when you feel down, everything else, anything else seems a million times better. At least chasing a chicken on prison grounds, stuck with your ex-lover was free of angry band teachers.
 
Later, I ended up going downtown for a Christmas thing. They were lighting the huge tree and selling churros and I saw a lot of people there that wanted to pet my dog, or a least my dog wanted them to pet her. Maybe I sound like Holden Caulfield, but we were a bunch of phonies talking phony conversations where no one had the guts to say I haven't hung out with you in a long time and honestly I didn't mind that long time. I kept running into the parents of girls I didn't hang out with anymore, and it was awkward and I couldn't remember who was the one that changed first. I saw the drum section leader there, and I kind of said hi but nothing else. I think we're both wallowing in the aftermath. Yes, it really was that bad. One of the few genuinely good things that happened today was my friend from honor band texted me at the tree lighting, and even though she was sending texts faster than I could respond, I really needed it. Janet--that's her name--is really fun and good to be around and honestly exactly what I needed today. We complained about screwy band directors and crappy performances and it was all good for a while. Of course, we had to leave before the tree even lit up, because my mom wanted us (my dad and I) home and I was sore again because I wanted to see the moment where the colors lit up the night and 300 pairs of eyes widened and shot up.
 
I'm tired, but I don't know when to stop.
 
Esther