When She Was Mine

Part 17- The Way He Left Me

It’s officially been three weeks since I last seen Riley. We’ve only skype called 4 times and I felt myself slipping back into a pit of darkness again… a time before Riley.

When I made the promise with Riley at the airport, I knew he meant more than promising that we’d always be together even though not physically, rather for me to not cut or let those thoughts about death consume me like they once did. I’ve had difficulty adjusting to these past three weeks. It’s hard knowing you seen someone every single day for months and now to not see him at all… especially seeing photos and videos with the love of your life being surrounded by gorgeous women.

I felt like I was back at the first day of school again. I couldn’t help, but compare myself to those girls, knowing I could never look like them. I hear Riley’s voice in my head replaying those words, “Whatever you see online, just know that I’m yours okay?” Before I realize it, I see my hand searching through Twitter to see what people were saying about him… about me.

I read a tweet that says, “Riley, do you have a girlfriend?”

Someone replies to the tweet, “Hey, yeah, Riley does have a girlfriend… Sorry.”

A third person replies, “Yeah, she’s not that pretty, tbh”

I shrug it off. It was nothing like the mean things people would say to me in middle school. I knew I should stop reading, but my eyes were already moving. My eyes skimmed to the words “fat”,” ugly”, ”he could do better”, “he could have any girl! Why her?”

I shut my laptop off. My eyes began to fill up with tears and I started sobbing. I cry into my pillow for what feels like a good ten minutes.

This was the first time I’ve cried in a week. Just last month, my family was well off financially until my dad lost his job after the company he worked for got bought out by some overrated corporation.  My mom took on a second job to help sustain the family. My mom continued her job as a realtor and became a part time waitress. I found out she was being treated horribly, but she told me to not worry and that it’s nothing she’s never experienced with past clients. She said the job also makes a lot of tips that would help put the food on the table.

Just a couple days ago, my dad told me he got a new job, but never told me where. Later, I found out the only job he could find was a janitor position at an elementary school two cities away. I was so upset that my parents are working so hard so they could pay for my education. It was the first time in months that I contemplated suicide.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m blessed, but I just don’t deserve to live. I don’t deserve God’s or my parent’s love. I felt angry… helpless. All I could think about was my brother. The one I never met. The boy I knew would have made this family much happier. The one who died before I was born. The one I’m named after.

All these memories consume me and I feel like I’m slowly deteriorating. I find my hand moving toward it.... my only friend… the only one who could amplify this pain that I know I truly deserve… the blade.

I stare at my wrist. The scars that once colored my arm were almost gone… faded… just memories.

But I see him… I see Riley. An image of his face floods my thoughts. His words, “Promise me, okay.” I remember the night he gave me the promise ring. I remember the second night at the concert where he called me onto the stage…

I drop the razor blade. I snap out of my trance. “What am I doing?” I yell. I hear my parents running up the stairs, “Ryland, baby, are you okay?” I look at the promise ring Riley gave me. I open my door and I stand up and reassure my parents that I’m okay. “Sorry, mom and dad. I love you guys so much and I just want you both to know that I really appreciate everything you’ve done and continue to do for me. I wish my brother was here to witness such amazing parents,” I hug my parents. “Sweetie, of course. We want to make sure you’re happy. We love you! You’re our daughter,” my mom bear hugs me. My dad chimes in, “Yes, sweetie, we will do anything for you.”

I fight back the tears and say, “But you guys been working so hard. And I’m sorry, dad, about your job.” I see my parents turn to each other and smile. My mom says to my dad, “Okay, love. I think it’s time to tell her.” My dad smiles at me and says, “You know that corporation that bought out the business? Well they were sued by another business they had bought out. Apparently there were many legality issues and problems that were overlooked in the contracts. The corporation had no right to buy off the company.” He smiles and continues, “I have my job back, baby!” “Mom, can you quit your second job?” I ask. “Already did this morning, sweetie,” she answers. I find all three of us in a group hug and I feel like I never want to let go.

I hear my phone ring and my parents tell me to check who’s calling. It was Riley. My parents already know who was calling and walk out the room.

“Hello?” I answer even though I saw his picture flash on my phone screen.

“Hey, baby,” he answers back. “I love and miss you,” he says.

“I love you more, baby,” I feel my cheeks aching.

“You seem really happy,” he continues.

“I am. I wish you were here, but I am happy. To be honest, I was contemplating death again—“ I say before he cuts me off, “Ryland, please.  Promise me, please.” “I promise, Riley.  I swear it was the first time in months that this happened. And I swear it will never happen again. A lot of things happened the past couple weeks and I just wish you were here. I thought about my brother and my parents. And I know you told me to never read the things online…” I hear him sigh. “Ryland, please baby. Don’t believe those things.” “I’m fine, Riley. Really, don’t worry,” I reassure him.

I overhear Toby in the background say, “Riley, c’mon bro! We’re about to hit the stage.” “Just one more minute! I’m talking to Ryland,” Riley yells back. “Hi, Ryland,” I hear Toby say.” “Tell Toby I said hi,” I tell Riley. He laughs and does. “Babe, I love you and I’ll see you in a couple months okay? Talk to you later tonight” Riley said. “Okay, promise me,” I say. “Promise,” he says. 

I read the "Make a difference before you exit" sign above my bed. 

I can tell you one thing, he made a difference.

I can never repay him for changing my world, but I'll spend my whole life trying.