Diary of a Forgotten Beggar

2. Abomination

An Abomination
Turned to shame
Grotesque, eyes ridden with tears
The loathing of a beast yet familiar

Unwanted
Unloved
Unforgiven

Drowning in a Sea of Sorrow,
Only to wake shattered in the morrow

14th March 2014

Awoken by the abrupt ringing of a cellphone, I sluggishly grope around in the dark searching for the accursed device and I nearly fell off the bed. It was on the dresser. My eyes burn ad they struggle to adjust to the light of the screen. I dont recognize this number. Hell, I dont even remember buying a cellphone. I rejected the call. Definitely not going to find out lest it actually be stolen. I switched it off and threw it on the couch opposite the bed. Aching pain from my penis signals that my bladder is full. Went to the bathroom and once I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the basin mirror i nearly collapsed of shock.

My face was almost unrecognizable. I Could literally see how emaciated I had become. Just skin and bone. My eyes were blood and dark, puffy bags had emerged underneath them. I was pale and seemed as if severely Ill with a chronic disease, awaiting death. My lips were dry, near white and cracked. Angry red pimples pockmarked my face but still freshly pierced as the blood hadn't dried properly. Hair was disheveled and their were white flakes around the hairline. Dandruff.

I could barely recognize myself anymore. The full view of my upper body became visible as my gaze lowered. I was topless. Protruding ribs were the hilite of my chest. Once again, emaciated. Would probably be fatally wound if overcome by some accident. If I hadn't put my hand on my naval I would not have believed that a stomach existed there. Bent inward as it had shrunk to near destruction. My arms had become mere stick-like and there was neither evidence of any biceps.

I had become a Abomination.

I just stood there and stared at myself. A wave of disgust washed over me. This is not me. It cannot be me. Is this another nightmare? At that moment I burst out in tears and fell to the floor. The brutal realization of what I had become gripped me and ripped my innards apart. It tore out my soul and devoured it as if it was a rare delicacy. I lay there on the floor, sobbing. Unable to move. I was nothing. An abomination of creation. A forsaken soul. Less human now than ever before. I couldn't bare to be alive. I wanted out. I wanted to die. But a coward I am and always will be.

After what seemed like years I slowly gripped a hold of myself. Forced my body to get up. I washed my face and made sure I didnt look in the mirror. Got in the shower and washed. The water was somehow soothing. It calmed me. As the water poured over my head, with closed eyes I began to silently prey.

A prayer to the Lord, Eternal, Sublime Creator of the universe and all that which it contains. The Creator of both the Seen and Unseen. The Everlasting, Self Sustaining,The limitless. The True Essence of Unconditional Love,True Peace. I prayed that I may receive salvation from this torment. I pray, that I may have a chance at redemption. I pray, that I be given a better life.

Opening my eyes, allowing a tear to teickle down my cheek, closed the taps and stood there almost as if waiting for a reply. The warmth was slowly leaving my body and a slight shiver crept it's way over my skin. I stood there in the silence and listened intensively. Hoping. Yearning to be set free. I heard a faint sound. It sounded as if it were coming from within my being. No. Not a sound. But a voice. I recognize this all too well. The hair stood firm on the back of my neck almost instantly and the sinister laughter of the Devious One fills the depths of my mind.