• Disorders diary •

Backstory...

I have always been overweight, I've always been the "Chubbier" "darker" skinned sibling. Funny thing though I didn't give two fucks and continued to eat. I have always been the happy bubbly sister the one that doesn't get mad. They would say oh you're darker but you know black is beautiful so you're just fine or you're not fat you're just chubby (like that's any better) and I would smile 🙂

From what I've picked up I could say the first ed I had was B.E.D. (Binge eating disorder) and I started when I was probably in the 4th (8 yo) or 5th (9 yo) grade. I would be told "oh that's all. you'll eat some tomorrow" or "mmmh tamwi kuta?" meaning "mmmh don't you get full?". Such comments came from no one but my family members, so I would get whatever they said I couldn't eat sneak it to my room or the bathroom and eat it. Of course they would find wrappers and just make me feel worse saying "that's why she's gaining" or "kapompa salad" meaning "something that soaks in/swallows oil- me ". And this went on for years till in the 9th grade when I was 13 and I had written my exams to go to "senior secondary" (primary 1-7 I was at a co school- both girls and boys, junior sec. 8 and 9- all girls catholic school, and finally for 10-12 I was accepted to several co schools only)

Saying I was anxious was an understatement, I was having a mild panic attacks every time I thought about it and I also arrived late at the school -the year began 2nd week of Jan and I enrolled in the last week of feb. So this is the year when I met Ana and Mia 2020, I don't want to get into a deep explanation but my biological father is in politics and is the minister of my province and people get that from my surname so when I went to that school people wanted to see if I was spoilt or rich p.s. non of the above lol

So one extremely popular boy...I think the most popular one from the school(?) he started coming to see me in class at breaks, make me laugh (i have something that makes me snort when inhaling air when breathing while laughing) and he called it cute and I actually kinda started to believer him...but over the weekend (on April 1🤡) he Officially asked me out and I kept saying it's a joke but he maintained his serious tone so I said whatever I guess and finally then mid week came along he sent one of his friends to get me from class during the free period and he wanted to KISS me O_O IK. I obviously refused and broke up and he pretended to be hurt for a few days but after that he started to torment me. He would come to my class and saying I think I'm the shit and that I was nothing, it's just because of my father and I'm just a joke, I didn't give a fuck because my family already made it clear that I AM trash so, I ignored it. I think.

Now In relation to E.Ds I met Mia and Ana I'm not too sure who came first but it started with the satisfaction of skipping a meal, skipping 2 meals NO skipping 3 meals...skipping 3 days of meals and I could see that it's helping...I never really got on the scale but when I finally did, (around sept 2019) I wished I hadn't...79kg the little red arrow stopped waving side to side and settled on I little bar right next to the 80 mark and I snapped.

I continued to skip meals and say I'm not hungry while being petrified of the scale and people either didn't mind/care or took it as a joke...and after a few months I checked and I was only 75kg (-4) it made me kinda happy and I even got motivated to workout and try Chloe tings challenges and I joined a motivation group for her workouts. Then I found the miracle path to Ana... water fasting. The results got me in a trance and all I wanted was to do it for 20 days and I'd be perfect. So I got a marker and a paper made 20 check boxes and stuck it on my bedroom wall I told the people in the group about my plan some where hopeful but a lot told me not to do it, but I did it.

The 3rd day was hard but I was still going strong until on the 8th I had a blackout at my door and woke up in pain. The rest of that day I kept seeing black mid walk or conversation and it became something addicting after all it meant my body it burning itself right? On the 13th day we had to go to church and I was late for my period for about 8 days so I had cramps but no Period my mom said if I want the painkiller I need to eat so I said no to her and got my extremely strong painkillers for my hip (I have SUFE, basically wonky hip, weird bones and painful joints) then at church I almost fainted so I was rushed to the hospital and they said I had ulcers. I told the people in my Chloe ting group and they panicked saying I have an eating disorder and I shouldn't do this to myself but I didn't know what they where saying and didn't care so I stopped looking at that group.

I continued to eat little food and maintained the 76-74kg range but that was NOT enough I needed to lose more so I began to purge I didn't know bulimia or how eating disorder work but all I knew was that I found a really good way to erase my mistakes...this went on for months, no eating, eat with family, purge and repeat. But the results where minimal I only dropped to like 73 max and would range from 73-75 so I needed to up my game. I found a proana blog (on my birthday 23rd February) and it didn't mention anything about a anorexia or EDs but it said oh have you ever starved before? Yes? you must be a strong person am I? I must be right? Are willing to do anything to be perfect? because only thin girls are perfect yes! Yes I am then let me help you :)

It outlined some habits to start which I mostly had and some diets, tips, rules and even commandments...I was in awe I soon found the ed community on Twitter and began to save a lot of Thinspo and meanspo and looking for groups to join, I thought it was just a diet I followed the rules joined two groups and began to lose weight my gallery only had BTS pictures, Thinspo, and meanspo. (March 2020)

Ana and Mia became so close to me and I lost weight I went down to 70kg in a month It wasn't much but enough so I continued and continued and continued. And I don't think I can ever stop Because everyone says oh you're not fat but Ana and Mia are willing to help me make me better make me the best version of myself and I'll let them do it because they are the only ones that actually want to help me :)

I am 16 now In my senior year and it's quarantine. in april I didn't lose much and my dad took my scale but after weeks of begging I got a better scale from my own money and now I'm 62kg I'm so close to the 50kg range and I'm ready. It's May almost month end and June we reopen school...I want to use this to let you see my life I might include some older entries from my journals and diaries and I just want to give people a glimpse of this blessing/curse I'm experiencing...I'm sorry this won't be the best book ever but I hope you can see a piece of my life.

I will lose weight. I will show them. I will become PERFECT!

Sorry for all the errors I wrote this pretty fast

23 May 2020.