No More Wishes (Cheating!Reiner X Bertholdt Fanfic)

Part 9

"Last night was a shitshow."

Erwin froze. He looked up at Bertholdt and then blinked slowly, recovering from that slap-in-the-face statement. "Oh. Uh, sorry, I didn't..." His knee resumed its bouncing. "I didn't mean to bring up a bad memory."

"You didn't." Bertholdt hoped his smile would assuage at least a part of Erwin's pressing anxieties. "I was too candid. I'm sorry."

"No! No, there's no need for you to apologize. I asked you how last night was, you gave me a truthful answer."

Bertholdt tapped the accumulating ashes from his cigarette onto the ground. "Alright then. We've talked about me. What about you?"

Erwin let out a shaky laugh, which was the closest thing to a smile Bertholdt had seen all day. "That's it? You don't want to elaborate?"

"Considering that you've got dark bags under your eyes, I'd rather hand you the mic."

"Really?" He gingerly traced the area around his eye sockets. "But — uh — seriously, would you like to talk about last night?"

"Rather not. It's no big deal," he lied between his teeth.

"Are you sure? I just want you to remember that you can tell me anything."

"When have I ever hesitated in telling you something important? The issue's already been resolved. I'd rather just let it all go." And those were lies as well. How had he managed to develop a knack for falsehood?

Bertholdt had no reason to hide anything from Erwin. He knew the gist of the story, and what he didn't know, he deduced. Erwin was no gossip. Bertholdt could pour secrets into him like a bottomless vessel and they would never spill. He was entirely supportive and accomodated whatever issues Bertholdt had.

And yet, instead of feeling more forthcoming, Bertholdt became all the more wary of what he divulged. There was still something inherently wrong about sharing grievances with a friend, especially with one that was pining after him. Sharing intimate details on Bertholdt's deteriorating marriage felt like adultery in and of itself.

However, he wouldn't jeopardize the one good thing he had left. They exchanged birthday gifts. They went out for coffee. They talked about their interests. It was happiness, and Bertholdt would take whatever he could. He would take the beaming, familiar face in front of him. He would take the tangled package of their emotions. He would take all his reservations about their relationship and dispose of them. Maybe he should start thinking like Reiner: abandon reason and chase after pleasure on the impulse. After all, his husband didn't seem racked with guilt over his choices.

(And it wasn't like he had anyone else to take smoke breaks with. Fraternizing with your superiors didn't make you popular.)

"Alright." Erwin nodded solemnly, but underneath that mature exterior, Bertholdt could spot childish curiosity flicker through his eyes. He was searching for something to bite onto, to have an excuse to chew out Reiner another million times. Fortunately, Bertholdt was not swayed today. He'd learned when and how to share his stresses, and it was easiest when Erwin came to conclusions himself; "Why are your eyes red? Is it Reiner?" he would ask, and all Bertholdt would have to do is nod.

While verbalizing his woes made him want to puke, he was aware that having Erwin figure them out made him appear all the more helpless.  'Look at you! You're so burdened by your issues that you can hardly speak. You need someone to finish your sentences.' That was what everyone else thought, right? They weren't wrong. He was inadvertently stoking the flames of pity and burning himself in the process.

"Anyways, did you sleep last night?" Bertholdt brought the cigarette back up to his mouth. "At all?"

"Er...four hours."