Chapter 1

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The night had started off like any other for the Joker and Harley Quinn. Joker had planned a comic crime for Batman to foil, kidnapping several hostages and holding them prisoner at the factory that produced his Joker toxin. The hostages would be slowly gassed with the toxin, laughing themselves to death, until Batman showed up to save them...which he did, naturally. Unfortunately for Joker, Batman was on a tight schedule that night – he had several other supervillains planning simultaneous crimes also involving a potential threat to innocent people, so rather than a long, drawn-out battle with Joker, Batman merely freed the hostages and then immediately set off to stop the other crimes.

All of which resulted in Batman trying to escape the Joker's clutches, dragging him across the ground as he clung to his leg shouting desperately, "No, Bats, you can't leave! Beat me! Thwart me! Foil me!"

Harley had rarely seen a more sickening display, and she hated it. She hated her lover's bizarre obsession with Batman anyway, but she especially hated it when it made Mr. J act all needy and pathetic. That was Harley's way of acting around him, but it was all wrong to see Mr. J act that way around anyone.

"Bats, no! No! Come back! Hurt me!" cried Joker as Batman managed to free himself and flew off into the night at last, disappearing into the shadows.

Harley sighed heavily. "C'mon, Mr. J, get up," she snapped, holding out her hand to help him up. "He's gone."

"All that work for nothing," muttered Joker, climbing to his feet. "All that kidnapping and trap-setting, and he doesn't even fight me. It's like he doesn't care sometimes, Harley. He could at least show a little appreciation."

"Yeah, you could too sometimes," agreed Harley.

"I think I show him I appreciate him a lot – all of my crimes are based around getting his attention," said Joker.

"I meant appreciate me, Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "Me! Your girlfriend! Not some random nutjob in a bat costume!"

"You watch what you say about Bats, you little brat," snapped Joker.

Harley sighed heavily. "God, this obsession is getting outta hand," she muttered. "Y'know, when I was your shrink, Mr. J, I thought that you hated Batman because you resented what he did to you at Ace Chemicals. I mean, he's basically responsible for your existence as the Joker, and for you forgetting your entire past. I thought you wanted revenge on him for that."

"Why would I want revenge on him turning me into the Joker?" asked Joker, puzzled. "I love me. And whoever I used to be can't be as great as I am now. I don't really wanna remember a past where I wasn't the handsome, talented, hysterically funny clown I am today. I don't resent Bats at all – I'm really grateful to him. He gave me a purpose in life, somebody to fight every night, somebody who understands me..."

"I understand you, Mr. J," interrupted Harley.

"No, you don't," he retorted. "You just said you thought I resented Bats and wanted revenge. You were always a crap shrink, Harley. Always wanted to see me as the poor, innocent victim – no wonder it was so easy to twist your mind, you dumb blonde."

Harley bristled. "You didn't twist my mind," she snapped. "I chose to be your Harley Quinn because I love you! And I want to help you in any way I can! I thought I'd be helping you get revenge on Batman for what he's done to you, but clearly you don't really want that! You'd rather thank him instead!"

"Yeah, and don't you thank me every day for making you into Harley Quinn?" demanded Joker. "Don't you thank me for making you into what you always should have been, for drawing out the natural tendencies for homicide and violence that you buried deep inside you for years and years? That's what Bats did for me too! So yeah, I'm a little grateful to him, as you should be for me, you little brat! Without him, I'd probably still be some boring do-gooder or two-bit criminal instead of the insanely comic genius I am! And without me, you'd still be wasting your life as a shrink in Arkham, rotting away with all the other freaks and weirdos without having half as much fun! So I'd appreciate a little less lip from you in the future, Harley. You owe me everything, and you should be grateful I've kept you around as long as I have, not criticize me for my interactions with Batman, which are frankly none of your business."

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