Writing myself has always been hard for me. Writing my problems out of existence has always been easier than facing them. Writing you into my fabricated fantasies so I had something to think about.
Behind my eyelids was your face staring back at me.
but this time, time is what we had. Even though I know when I open my eyes time is exactly what we didn't have. Seeing you for an hour or less once a month was the hardest part about being with you because I never wanted to leave you.
Your hugs made me feel safe.
I still have ptsd from my abusive friends choking the shit out of me. My abusive friends cutting my arm opened. My abusive friends trying my trust with the promise he'd come back after Christmas for my birthday party.
When I first heard someone say abuse doesn't have to be physical, I never thought of myself as a victim.
The first time you came up behind me to hug me was the first time a boy had made me feel safe. the first time I didn't flinch or scream because the thought of- one time a very bad person touch me in the same place. even when your hands trace the wounds some other boy left you to heal,
Your touch was light, and soft. Even when it wasn't, it was. Because not you nor no one else can ever compete with the hands and face of the caged beast behind my own beauty.
I made the cut.
I'm sorry. I'm not as perfect as I imagined myself to be when I think of us with time. But the thought still puts me to sleep.
YOU ARE READING
falling after you
Poesía'falling after you' is a collection of the poetry I had written whilst being with whom was breaking my heart. I may not have realized it at the time, but now, it's very clear I had already known how our story would end. Even though it's not over, ye...
