Missing You

Chapter Five

And here I am, back in that Blue Jaguar, sat next to the man I can't get rid my thoughts about. Though, one thing has changed since I first met him. I know by now his name. Never too late to know the name of your multiple time saviour isn't it?

Everything around Brad keeps running in a circle with sometimes sort of uncertainty. We, bumping into each other, him giving me a ride, which every time seems like saving me. It definitely keeps happening constantly. He is my good, still, strange encounter.

-              "Where to love?" I smile at his words. I'll never say it enough, I love the fact he calls me "love" like no one ever did.

-              "Clapham town Mister driver" I joke.

-              "Back to the "old days" huh?" He smiles at me referring to that circle I was talking about before. Like if he was going to be forever my driver.

Beth, time to have a license and a car. Or should I take advantage of the situation and let Brad drive me all around and get time with him? Oh please, don't be silly Beth.

But that's definitely an option, isn't it? I laugh to myself.

-              "Maybe I should reconsider the fact that you may be my angel or so" I was being awkwardly pretty confident around him and almost sharing my deepest thoughts. Maybe I should just calm down a bit. You don't want the man to run away from you, don't you Beth?

-              "Oh, trust me you wish. Do you believe in those things? Like paradise, hell and fate?" I previously said my thoughts being a bit humorous, but he somehow managed to turn the conversation into something very serious. I never thought he would. I mean I don't know him for so long, but he is quite a funny and sarcastic man, this is unprecedented.

-              "Huh, never thought about it." I don't know what to respond honestly. "And what if there are actually those kinds of things, what is the point to live our live, if all is already expected. Life wouldn't worth it and it is ridiculous. I don't care about my far far future, I just want to live a happy life, independently from what is expected at the end. I think that fate is more about pushing you to do the things you never knew you wished to do if you didn't believe in fate" I reveal my thought.

-              "But how can you be sure about your fate?" He frowns at me.

-              "That is the thing, you'll never know. That's why you have to do whatever makes you happy. What's the point of living a life if you aren't happy?"

-              "But what if the thing you ever wanted turns out to be somehow impossible to achieve, you'll never be happy, so what's the point living?"

-              "Well you still have the choice to kill yourself"

It turns out that a year ago I did think about it. I was someone pretty unconfident and I experimented so many new things at the same time that I never felt so much overwhelmed by the situation. I wasn't happy, but mostly I feared to disappoint my family at some point. And I didn't even recognise myself. I feared that I would not be the same again, I feared so much that I couldn't see the point living. But then was my family. And they undirectedly saved me because of the love I felt for them.

-              "Do you fear death?" I ask him.

-              "I do not fear the fact of dying because, at the end, you'll never know you are dead." He keeps looking at the road, but I can see and hear that he is being honest. And I feel privileged that a stranger would love to share his deepest thoughts with me. "I'm afraid of what is coming next. Not for me, but for my family and the people that I love. You'll see, I love them so much that I don't want them to suffer because I passed away. If I had the choice, I'd prefer to suffer from their death than thinking about the fact they could feel pain because of me being dead. I don't want them to feel empty because they miss me, because you know the fact that I'll never miss them because I'll be dead is killing me inside. This is so unfair." And with these words, I never ever related so much to someone. Ever. But I also wondered if he ever felt the need at some point in his life to end it all, just like I did.