A Prisoner

Book 1; Chapter 7

Nightmares

You wandered aimlessly through a wild barley field, letting your fingers graze the tops of the grain plants; Zuko was waiting for you on the other side, watching you with a fond smile on his soft, pale lips. You looked down at yourself, you were wearing a simple, warm pink sundress; it reminded you of a dress you had seen at a market when you were a young girl. You had wanted it, but your family was too poor to buy it for you. Now, you were wearing it and the thought almost made you sad, because you knew how disappointed your parents were that they couldn't offer you what all the other girls in your class had: nice, new clothing. 

When your eyes returned to Zuko, he was still watching you, still smiling; you smiled back and walked a little faster, but he looked further away and with every step you took that drew closer to the edge of the field, he was farther away. He didn't appear to be walking, "Come on, (Y/N)."

He called out to you and you began to run, not making any headway in closing the distance between you two; Zuko got further and further away, smile never falling, eyes never leaving you. You let out a helpless cry, panting heavily. It was beginning to feel like you had been sprinting toward him for hours, with nothing changing. Then, you stopped to catch your breath, eyes still focused on him, when he finally began walking toward you. You let out a breath of relief and leaned forward, resting your hands on your knees, "Is everything alright?"

He asked you, squatting in front of you so he was at eye level with you, "Yeah."

You nodded, but you didn't sound like yourself... well, not as you were then, the voice that came from your lips belonged to a child. It was your voice from when you were six, just before you met Zuko. The man smiled kindly at you, "What's your name?"

He asked, sitting down in the barley in front of you, "Z, you know me. I'm (Y/N)."

"Z?" Zuko asked, confused by the nickname, "(Y/N)?"

A frown came to your face and you sat down too, perplexed. Slowly, Zuko's face began to morph into this horrible, twisted version of itself, and he quickly he looked just like his father. You gasped and recoiled when he spoke, "I don't know any filthy peasant traitors."

...

You woke with a soft gasp, face matted with sweat and you looked around camp, "You okay, (Y/N)?"

Katara asked as she tended to the fire, you swallowed hard when you moved to sit beside her, "Do you mind if I confide in you?"

"Of course not." She offered you a smile as she turned to give you her full attention, "What's going on?"

"Well, for five years I've been having this nightmare every night, and in it I'm my current self, walking through a barley field to get to Zuko." You began, watching the fire, "But, he justs gets further and further away, to the point I start sprinting. When I stop to catch my breath he walks to me and talks to me like I'm six years old and he doesn't know me, and I sound six years old when I respond. And, for some reason, he doesn't recognize me and when I tell him I know him he says that he 'doesn't know any filthy peasant traitors.'"

You take a deep breath and glance over at her, she gives you a thoughtful look before responding, "You've been having this dream every night for five years?"

You nodded and watched the way the flames danced on the logs in the fire pit, "And every night it feels even more real, honestly, I don't care that I have it; I just want to know what it means."

You saw her nod in the corner of your eye, then hum, "I think it means your afraid your differences in social status will keep you apart. The idea that peasants are worth nothing that has been instilled in you since you were young is true."

You nodded slowly, taking a deep breath, "I just wish I knew why I can't break away from shit I know is wrong, shit I know is toxic for me and life itself."

"Well, because it's all you've ever known. Knowing is only one part of altering a mindset, (Y/N)." 

You nodded at her wise words, "The fire nation has taken so much from the world, so much from innocent people; I would hate to find out that I am the subject of people's nightmares."

She placed a hand on your shoulder, "You were a child, you were only doing what you were told was right. The true nightmare is that they made a twelve year old do such horrible things."

You shook your head, "No, Katara, the true nightmare, is that there's a part of me that will always be capable of doing such horrible things. I will never hurt another innocent person, but I don't have a problem ruining people who deserve it. I look forward to it. And nobody should look forward to bringing pain or misery on anyone."

She stared at you, eyes wide, "I'm sorry you're feeling this way, (Y/N)."

You shook your head, "I'm not. Feeling this way is a reminder that I changed, that despite what I'm capable of, I know it's wrong and will only be used if I absolutely have to."