Close Quarters

1. Bulldozing the shower stall and melting the fridge

Dedicated to ChristieCraig because she inspired me to write my own twirky female nuthead after encountering and falling in love with her works. 

Items of men's clothing littered around the room, with one Calvin Klein brief clinging onto River's air conditioner for dear life as a rubber duckie boxer brief waved to its underwear relative on her kitchen's open window sill. 

River's first thought was, 'Have I stepped into one of those ghastly modernist clothing stores that display their wares draped haphazardly throughout the place or did Max's wardrobe explode in my living room?'

Wait, rubber duckie boxer briefs?...

Max didn't own any rubber duckie clothing items. In fact, he whined about any type of animal design on clothing as he self righteously complained that it made him feel emasculate, not that he was well endowed naturally anyway. 

A loud baritone groan penetrated through River's confused thoughts. Several more followed suit and soon a harmony of moans filled every nook and cranny of her beach side abode. 

"What on -?... What's this? Phantom of Opera?" River mumbled, highly disturbed. After fumbling for the nearest sharp object on her kitchen island with her right hand, she stumbled up her wooden stairs towards the source of sound.

Nothing in bedroom one. Nope, not the study room either. Neither were there any members of a bass band hiding out in bedroom two.

"Where the hell is Max and the plumber?" she huffed before smashing open her bathroom door. Her full intent was to intimidate her intruders with the fifteen centimetre kick-ass fruit slicer. 

However, the sight that greeted her (or rather slapped her in the face) scared and scarred her instead. Max had 'the plumber' pinned up against the foggy glass panel of River's beloved shower stall as he had seconds ago thrusted off River's black forest cake from last night's dinner. 

"Is that the girlfriend, Maxie?" purred The Plumber curiously, not at all caring that his ding-a-ling and huevos were on proud display whilst 'Maxie' reached around the shower door and frantically yanked at the nearest face towel to hide both their sexual tools. He only succeeded in wrapping them both up like one of his mum's dripping kebabs.

The short square clothe barely did the job. They shuffled slowly out of the shower stall. 

"Fiancee," River whispered before promptly shocking everyone by slapping herself in the face with her left hand. "Wake up, this is only a nightmare."

"Uh... River, I can explain!" Her now ex-fiance pleaded, fire-engine red from shame or perhaps tiredness from all the calorie burning activity he had been doing, as he eyed her neon green weapon the size of his pee-pee. "We were just getting acquainted, he promised to fix my head -- uh your shower head for free," he added in rapid defence as they skirted around the shaking fruit knife now rapidly turning into a penis cutter. 

"Get out!" she replied. Her heart was determined to emergency contact her swelling tear ducts. 

"Wha- What?"

"I SAID TAKE YOUR CHEATING DICK PLUS BLUE BALLS OUT OF MY HOUSE!" River screamed as she waved her makeshift dick skewer around the bathroom. She will not let the flood gates down in front of this two timing bastard. 

A dripping sound came to her attention during the silence after her outburst. River darted her eyes to the shower stall and saw the steady flow out of her pitiful shower head. It fuelled her anger like a douse of petroleum on an already raging fire. 

"YOU GUYS COULDN'T WAIT UNTIL YOU," she howled whilst pointing at the plumber's head, "FIXED UP MY SHOWER HEAD? YOU SORRY EXCUSE OF A PLUMBER!"

She caterwauled and waved her hands around. The sorry excuse of a fiance- head-chopping machete rocketed out of her loose grasp and lodged itself in the wall on top of the plumber's head. The two highly alarmed men needed no further imperatives and slipped past the bathroom door to trip down the stairs with River hot on their bare buttocks.