letters to the dead → jason todd

09/25/1988

Dear Jason,

I completely disregard my foolishness in my last letters. I don't know how, but I was in denial you have truly departed. I miss you so much, that it's turning me to a mess.

I made up my own reality to cope, when I should have been facing the one in front of me.

My emotions are so overwhelming. I feel too many at once and it's driving me crazy. I have no one to turn to, no one to lean on at this time. I'm holding on to every memory we've shared, trying to make it last. Trying to make them feel real again, trying to make our relationship feel alive again.

I remember the day we spent roaming the city. I've always wanted to have a picnic in the park and I begged you to join me. You were reluctant at first but when you saw how happy I was when you agreed I can tell you became happy too. We spent all day together, talking, blocking out the whole world. All my worries disappeared when I looked into your brown eyes and heard your voice. It appeared rough and lifeless, masked with your traumas. However, if you listened closely enough you could hear the tiniest bit of warmth and softness left.

After our picnic in the park we walked for hours around the city. Studying the people who walked past us and examining all the little shops we passed. You bought me something for the first time that day. I still wear the beautiful necklace all the time. I never let it stray away from me, it makes me feel as if you're here.

I'm bawling my eyes as I write you this but I hope you knew how much I loved you. You were so broken and so was I. Despite our inability to pick up the pieces or fix each other, we put each other at ease and opened ourselves up to a love we never knew we needed. Thank you for that Jason. I'm just upset it's gone.

Everything we've built is gone and you left me, alone to deal with everything on my own. I don't know if I can forgive you for that anymore. I have to deal with my family and all it's chaos without you and I'm not sure if it's even possible. I'm gonna break down soon. I can't believe you would leave me like this. I don't know what else to say...

Love, Mariana