I know its been a while since I've updated but I just wanted to give a quick life update since its been so long.
when I initially started this book, I was in a really dark place and I didn't really let that show because I was trying to stay optimistic but I want to let those who are reading know that there is NOTHING to be ashamed of if you are struggling. there is nothing wrong with asking for help either. I know it can be scary allowing yourself to be so vulnerable when asking for help but sometimes we cant do everything on our own, sometimes we need to let other people in.
for me, I demonized my parents for a long time and blamed them for all of my issues when truly they were the ones that helped me out of those problems. I think I was unwilling to admit that I was at the root of my problems and that in order to make things better, I had to do something about it and ask for help and be honest with people about who I really was. I think for such a long time I was playing the victim and allowing myself to blame the people closest to me for not understanding when I never even let them in and gave them the space to try to understand.
my other message is that it is completely okay to change, we all do. we change because we learn new things, not because we're unsure. shortly after writing my last update in 2017 I realized that I wasn't in fact nonbinary but transgender female to male. I think the reason why I chose not to further update this book after this discovery was because I was afraid that those who read this may take that as me admitting that being nonbinary is just a phase. that is absolutely not true. being nonbinary is 100% real and i would even argue that since my transition to male I have even more respect towards nonbinary and genderqueer individuals. so once again, it is completely okay to change your mind or realize that you were wrong before because that just means that you are growing and learning and that you are one step closer to becoming who you truly are.
finally, I wanted to say this, and im sure you've all heard it a lot, but things really do get better. I am in such a better place than I was 3 years ago when I made my last update. when I allowed myself to open up to myself and the people around me I was able to really take charge of my life and who I am. in november of 2018 I was able to start testosterone and in december of 2019 I had top surgery. this is not meant for me to flex or brag about the things that i've done but for all you to understand that if not already, someday you will all reach the point that you long to be at. there is truly a light at the end of the tunnel. my original intent with this book was to help those going through similar things feel less alone and hopefully to offer some light to someone's day. with this, I wanted to show that it is possible for things to get better and it can and will happen to everyone.
I truly hope that all of you are doing well as I know it is a very difficult time for many reasons for everyone right now. if you are quarantined with an unsupportive family I am sending love and strength to you. I hope if anything this message can bring you hope and allow you to remain hopeful for the future. in times like these, sometimes all we can do is remain hopeful for the future. my dms are always open and I will link some text and call hotlines if any of you ever need someone to talk to.
crisis text line: text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a crisis counselor
depression and suicide hotline (trevor project): call 866-488-7386 anytime or live chat on fridays from 4-5 pm EST
suicide prevention life line: call 1-800-273-8255 24/7
nami warmlines for all states:
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