Hate

update on me

Hello again guys.

Thank you for all of your comments, they made me feel ok for a while. But right now I'm not ok. I feel teary as I write this.

Today I took down the photos of bts on my closet. I tried to take a break but... I ended up watching random videos.  The feeling got so so strong I can't do anything about it, I can't do anything, it keeps bugging me so bad. It's probably my fault, I can't love anyone. Even if I leave bts, who will I watch? What will I do? They won't have any funny videos, an amazing fandom, amazing songs that would comfort me when I'm sad. I always stopped liking anyone in an year... I thought it would not happen with bts... Is it time to let go? I don't know what I'm feeling, my mind is foggy, but it's telling me to leave, that I'm done. But when I left those people, why didn't it hurt? And if it's time to leave bts, why do if feel this way? Why am I crying? I don't know!!!

I don't feel the way I used to when I was a baby army. That exitement is missing, why? Is it my fault? I cry when I listen to magic shop, but I feel empty? What's wrong with me? I can't explain this... I don't know! Should I go talk to mom? But I'm afraid I'll start to cry. I suddenly feel as if I'm ok, the feeling decreases, the next moment I'm close to crying, wondering why I feel this way.

I'm afraid if I leave the fandom, obviously I won't continue my two stories... I might end up giving my account to an army. I don't know what I will do. If God is punishing me for something I did, please forgive me, but I can't do this. This is making me go crazy. I can't focus on anything. Either please bring my feeling back and make this one go away, or take my feels away. Please... This is too much for me. I can't take it anymore.