Hate

Why I didn't update

Hey guys!

I'm really sorry, I didn't update since a long time. I'm currently feeling really weird and it's hard to explain.

I've been an army since the last year. It's been an year. When I became army, after 2-3 weeks I felt as if my army feeling is missing all of a sudden... You know, that excitement? If it's 100, then it was somewhat 80. I felt... Empty. I wanted it back. After like maybe... 2 days? I felt good again. After that it was all good times.

Then suddenly, after a whole almost 9 months, right on my birthday, I got that feeling again, stronger. It's been bugging me until now. Yeah, since 6 months, I've been living with that damned feeling.

The feeling is weird. It's like I'm going away from bts, like losing my love for them. I used to love this game, then I stopped playing it after 2 years. I used to love these 2 twin youtubers, then I lost interest in them too. But Bts? They are not like that...

Sometimes I feel like that, the next moment I'm fine! Sometimes that feeling is so strong it scares me. My whole family and relatives are aware of how crazy I am for those 7 boys. My friends know too. If someone would talk shit about them, I would get angry. I have cried countless times for them.

Even if I feel like that, if you would play Mikrokosmos or Bulletproof: eternal, I'd sob my eyes out. Even if I feel like that, when I consult my fellow army buddies and they say take a break, and I do that, I can't resist more than 2 hours. When I see them smile, I feel something. A sudden happiness?

When I was a new army, I didn't worry about that feeling, I almost forgot that something even happened like that. But since my birthday... It's bugging me. I have a Bts T-shirt, some photos of them on my closet door, many drawings and quotes. I know all of their names, nicknames, all of their song lyrics, fanchants, inside jokes, their interests, what makes then happy and sad, everything.

It's probably my fault. I can't love anyone more that a year or two... Why? I want to be army forever! I wrote many letters for my future self if I feel down again... I read them. I feel how happy I was, how carefree.

Why am I feeling like this? I want to be a normal army who loves bts. I want to love them forever, because they deserve it. When I left the fandom of those YouTubers, that's wen I entered the army. I never felt bad for leaving those guys... But even the thought of leaving bts shakes me. I have said many times "I'll be an army forever" or "I'll never leave you bts." This was not just a phase right? Not just a fling? I don't want my sayings to become hollow lies. Is it my old self holding or forcing the new me?

Please tell me what do I do... I want to be a normal army with my fangirl feels... I want to be exited without being worried and live happily and study well. Your comments will be appreciated.

Thanks for sparing some time for me~
Your author-nim 💜