WildeHood: A Zootopia and Robin Hood Crossover

Chapter 11

All his life, Prince John had choked on his brother's dust. Sometimes, literally; he usually rode in a separate carriage behind him. But now, as he ran his claws through the endless piles of gold, he felt like the fierce predator he was born to be, and the only dust there was to choke on was that of the dirt road he and Sir Hiss' carriage was making its way down, and he most certainly was.

"Taxes!", he yelled, the excitement bubbling up and rushing out his mouth like prideful vomit. "Beautiful, lovely taxes! AHA! AHA!"

Sir Hiss was glad to see the prince so happy, because it meant safety for himself. He usually tried to spit out all the complements he could in times like these. "Sssire, you have an absolute sskil for encouraging contributions from the poor."

"To coin a phrase, my dear counselor, rob the poor to feed the rich! Am I right?" He nudged the snake while once again taking time just to stare at his crown. "Tell me, what is the next stop, uh... Sir Hiss."

"Ooh! The next sstop is Nottingham, ssire!", he replied, grasping the Prince's mirror and holding it in front of him.

"Ohh, the richest plum of them all! Notting-ahum-ham." He delicately placed the crown on his head, only for it to fall halfway down his mane-less face.

"A perfect fit sssire! It looks very cunning. You look regal, dignified, sincere, masterful, noble, chivalro-"

"D-d-d-don't overdo it, Hiss." He held the crown up again, this time perking his ears to hold it in place. "There. That, I believe, does it." He leaned closer to his reflection, baring his fangs. "This crown gives me a feeling of power! POWER!" He thrusted forward with each word, sending the mirror and Sir Hiss to the floor with a painful-sounding thunk. "Forgive me a cruel chuckle." He chuckled cruelly. "Mmm...power...mmm."

"And how well King Richard's crown sits on your noble brow!", Hiss added, extending the mirror out for him to take it.

"Doesn't it?" He stopped himself, snarling. "AH! KING RICHARD?"

The snake's grin sunk like a ship, realizing he had a made a horrible mistake.

Prince John latched onto the serpent's throat, shaking him violently enough to make them both dizzy. "I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION MY BROTHER'S NAME!"

The snake curled his head under so that it was protected by the upper half of his body. "May I have a slip of the forked tongue, your majesty," he giggled, making himself upright again once he felt safe. "We're in this plot together, if you don't mind my saying so." He was speaking even faster than usual. "It was your idea that I hypnotized him and-"

"I know," he laughed. "And sent him off on that crazy crusade. AHA! AHA!"

Hiss had gotten himself hurt by misspeaking in front of the prince many times already, but he had also learned how to start a show when he wanted some entertainment. "Much to the sorrow of the queen, your mother."

"Yes," John whined, already at the brink of tears. "Mother always did like Richard best." He grasped onto his ear and stuck his thumb, claw and all, into his mouth.

"Your highness, please don't do that."

The noise became overpowering.

"If you don't mind my saying so, you see, you have a very loud thumb."

...

Sir Hiss came closer and stared into the prince's eyes. "Hypnotissm can rid you of your psychosssiss... sso... easily."

Prince John melted into a relaxed look. Just as his eyes closed and his thumb was almost out, he snapped back. "No! None of that! None of that."

"Well I was only trying to help."