A Funeral For The Feelings

father into monster;

a letter to the man
who broke my heart before any guy could.

you used to be my first love
who protect my heart
who ensure that nobody could break my heart
but you turned into the one who hurt me the most.

you used to be my hero
who save me when i'm drowning
who find me when i lost

you used to be my father
but you become a monster
even your voice becomes like thunder

you used to be here
supporting me like any fathers did to their daughter
calling me when my birthday coming up
giving me home whenever i feel lost

but you destroyed us
you destroyed me
you destroyed our home

you left me
you didn't even call me on my birthday
you didn't even ask me how i'm doing lately

but i wake up every morning
facing a fact that you were gone
that you're not a part of me again

i stay up every night
wondering how it feels to have a father
wondering how it feels to have a normal family
wondering how it feels to celebrate father's day
wondering how it feels to showing off the world that i have a father

whenever i go to anywhere
i found a couple of dad and his daugther
spending time together
sharing laugh and love
i wish i could replace his daugther
just for a day
so i could feel how it feels to have a father

i've been asking god lately
why me?

there's over a million of people in this world
but why should it be my family?

i told myself every single seconds in my life.

"it's okay. as long as you still have someone to rely on."

but my selfish thoughts speak louder than myself.

"you don't deserve this. nobody deserve this. you deserve to have a family. a normal family."

but lately,
i've been thinking.

"i don't deserve to cry over a man who treat his family like a fucking shit."

dad,
thank you for all the wound and sore that you gave to me because its making me grow as who i am today.

i'm strong.
i'm not a fucking coward.

and thank god, i'm still here.

i'm still having a life
even though my life has already fucked up.

one moment that makes me realize,
i still have a million reasons to stay.

and i really hope you won't leave your new family just like you did to us.

because i don't want your children to
feel the way i feel.

best regards,

me.
[anakmu yang tumbuh dengan luka dan pilu.]

🕊🕊

30 May 2020.