A Love That Never Was

CHAPTER 3

Tulala akong pumasok sa clinic ni Doctor Villanueva. Habang naghihintay sa reception area, hindi ko maiwasang alalahanin ang mukha ng lalaking nakita ko kaninaㅡ he had a subtle facial feature and a well-chiseled jaw, a pointed nose and heart-shaped lips. His eyes looked like it pierces through me, na para bang kita niya kung anong emosyon ko. I breathed in and out. Hindi kaya guni-guni ko lang 'yon?

"Nasaan ba kasi Xech at kailangan mo pang biglang tumawid ha? Wala namang gwapong lalaki diyan eh, look! Halos puro babae, yung iilang lalaki matanda naman."

Naalala ko yung sinabi ni Leim. Pinalibot ko ang tingin sa mga tao sa sidewalk, tama siya. Wala naman. Ang bilis namang maglakad nung lalaki kung sakali.

Naputol ang pagmumuni-muni ko nang tawagin ako ng assisstant ni Doc.

"Miss Aguinaldo, Xechna? Kayo na po Ma'am."

Binuksan niya ang sliding door patungo sa office ni Dr. Villanueva. Nakita ko agad ang ginang na nakaupo sa kanyang swivel chair, nakatutok sa papel na binabasa. I can't help but admire this doctor's features. Ash-gray hair, some freckles, almond eyes and a pouty lipㅡ aakalain mong dalaga pa sa unang tingin.

"Hello, Doc."

"Oh, it's nice to see you again, hija! It's been how many months na ba, one? Two? You look prettier and prettier by every meeting ha!"

"Nako Doc, binobola mo na naman ako. Siguro malala na ang sakit ko noh? Deretsahin mo na lang ako Doc kung may taning na ang buhay ko," sagot ko sa kanya habang paupo sa patient's chair sa harap niya.

"Hay nako bata ka! You're very healthy noh! Baka mas mauna pa nga ako sa'yo niyan!" she chuckled.

"Kaya lang hija, mukhang ang madalas na pagsakit ng ulo mo ay dulot talaga nitong kalagayan mo ngayon. Ieexplain ko sa'yo ha?"

I nodded, feeling a bit nervous.

"As I told you on your last visit here, you seem to suffer from amnesia. You told me you can't recall some memories, right? That's because the primary symptom of amnesia is memory loss or inability to form new memories. If you have amnesia, you will have difficulty recalling facts, events, places, or specific details. The details can range from what you ate this morning to the name of the current president. You will still retain your motor skills, such as your ability to walk, as well as fluency in any languages you speak.

There are multiple types of amnesia, including retrograde amnesia, anterograde amnesia, and transient global amnesia.

After your check-up, I confirmed what type of amnesia you have. As for your case, you have Dissociative Fugue which turned to Dissociative Amnesia, which is the type of amnesia wherein you cannot recall your recently formed memories and events for a specific period of time. What caused your amnesia? It is mostly your stress. You opened up to me about your family problems, right? I conclude it triggered your stress, hija."

I am still processing what my doctor told me. So totoo nga yung amnesia ko.

"Your Dissociative Fugue triggered you to travel to various places. Naaalala mo yung namention mo sa'kin na you've been wandering before? Wala ka bang naaalala hija?"

I tried to think of places I have been to, pero ang tanging naaalala ko talaga ay kung nasaan ako ngayon. I suddenly remembered the places written in the old diary I found, hindi kaya napuntahan ko na ang mga yun?

"I am not quite sure, Doc. Kung inaalala ko naman, wala akong matandaan. Pero I found this somewhat old and torn diary at home and I think it belongs to me. May mga nakasulat na places doon like El Nido, Dumaguete, and other places which are not familiar to me..."

"Hindi mo lang siguro naaalala hija pero baka napuntahan mo na nga ang mga 'yon. I suggest, if you have time, or if you want to recall some memories, why don't you try going to those places na nakalista, hija?"

I looked at Dr. Villanueva hesitatingly.

"You know hija, I can help you with medication pero you can help yourself, too. Ayaw mo bang natural na bumalik ang mga ala-ala mo sa'yo? It will be a good start in gathering your lost memories. Maaaring mag-take ka kasi ng medications pero I cannot fully ensure you na lahat ng ala-ala mo ay magbabalik. Ikaw na rin ang nagsabi sa'kin, na you feel like you lost a part of yourself. You don't feel complete. This is my best advice to you, hija. Pwede mo namang pag-isipan, there's no need to rush."

I nodded again and smiled back at my doctor.

"Thank you po, Doc. Pag-iisipan ko po."

"That's good to hear, hija. For now, eto na yung mga meds mo na dapat mong i-take kapag nakaramdam ka ng biglaang pagkahilo at nandito rin yung vitamins mo na kailangan mo i-take every after dinner. 'Wag mong kaliligtaan ha? At tsaka proper balanced diet and always eat healthy foods. Iwas iwas sa mga alcoholic beverages. Preferably drink at most 2 liters of water for you to stay hydrated."

I agreed and she lead me towards her assisstant para makuha ko na ang mga gamot ko.

I slowly stepped out of the hospital, still thinking about what my doctor told me. Maganda kayang balikan ko ang mga lugar na iyon? Ano kayang meron sa mga nakasulat sa diary na yun? Hindi ko mapigilang malungkot sa thought na may amnesia pala talaga ako. I can't help but pity myself. I let stress take over me. I thought I was immuned with how my parents treated me. The way they talk to me and make me realize how dumb I was and how a big disappointment I was to them.

"Alam mo hija, you always say to yourself na immuned ka na sa sinasabi ng parents mo sa'yo. What you don't know is yung immunity na sinasabi mo, iniipon mo lang pala sa loob-loob mo. Masama ang nag-iipon ng ganyang hinanakit, hija. Nang sumabog, kita mo. Stress ang dinulot sa'yo. As much as possible, open up to people whom you trust. Alam kong mahirap, pero trust me, magiging magaan na sa pakiramdam afterwards."

Is it really okay to open up? Oo, I have my bestfriends, pero I don't want to add to their own pile of problems. Hindi kaya ako maging selfish kung mago-open up ako sa kanila? Ayoko lang namang dagdagan pa ang mga iniisip nila eh. Mas gusto ko pang sila yung nagsasabi ng problema sa akin. Hindi ako sanay mag-share. But then again, they are my bestfriends ever since I can recall. It might really be a good start to open up to them, for sure they can help me out.

Buong biyahe ko hanggang sa makarating ako sa bahay, yun ang inisip ko, kaya naman pagkabukas ko ng gate, I felt exhausted. Not physically, thoughㅡ mentally. I was tired from overthinking. Overthinking really sucks.

Nagpasya akong magpahinga na lang buong maghapon. Binuksan ko ang pintuan at laking gulat ko sa tumambad sa akin.

"Saan ka galing, Xechna? We've been here for hours now," bati sa akin ni Daddy.

Oh no. My walking stress are both here, in front of meㅡ my parents.

I am doomed.