The Creation of a Character

    He continued to lick the blood off of his lips as it flowed down from his nose. He wore a crooked grin along with his broken glasses. His blonde hair was plastered to his face with sweat and blood. So much blood. It was caked onto his hair, his face, his hands and clothes. Aw, no, not his clothes, he just bought those. The smile slowly turned into a look of confusion and concern. Was it his blood? Whose blood was this? He couldn't remember, I couldn't remember. Who am I? Who are you? Why is there so much blood?
    The boy sat in the corner of his room rocking back and forth trying to calm himself. Posters layed discarded on the floor after being ripped down a few moments before. He had suddenly hated them, hated his whole room, hated everything about it, thought it was stupid and childish and stupid and childish and stupid and childish and. It's ok, he took care of it, it's fine. He was still rocking back and forth humming to himself. Suddenly he looked up. He refused to be weak. He wanted to be strong. Did he want to be strong? Had he tricked himself into believing he wanted to be strong just because he was so fucking weak? Why would he need to be strong when everything was fine, he was fine, it was all FINE? Did he want to just end it? Maybe he should end it. Let the calming waves of death wash over him so he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. Deal with what? There was nothing to deal with. What's happening? He stood up and made his way to his kitchen fiddling with the cabinets till he found a glass to fill with water. He brought the cup to his lips and forgot to open them, the water spilling all over his shirt and the counter. What little bit that had gotten into his closed mouth tasted like tv static. It was harsh and loud. Does tv static have a taste? Does that make sense? Am I making sense to you? IS HE MAKING SENSE TO YOU? Is this character that I have created a representation of myself? AM I DAMAGED? Do I have a right to be damaged? Does Lee have a right to be damaged? His is definitely a sob story. A sad sad sob story to justify why he feels so broken and alone and broken and alone and broken and alone and SAD. Is my story a sob story? Do I have a right to feel broken and alone? He's so tired, with the water spilling all over his face and neck and clothes. Again with the clothes. I'm so tired.
    This isn't about me, this is about Lee. Yes. Lee Carmichael. 17 with blonde hair and blue eyes and tall. With glasses, yes glasses. That he breaks because he gets into fights. He fights because he wants to stick up for people that cannot stick up for themselves. He fights because he was born with the ability to. So many pairs of glasses. He's also got piercings? Does that make him a stereotype? Does that make me a stereotype? If I create my character and I give him piercings in the hopes of making him look damaged, does that make me a stereotype?
STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT ME
    Lee. His parents divorced when he was two and his dad won the custody battle. Living with his father in a two story house he felt blessed he felt rich he was prosperous. He was allowed to live in a good house when so many were forced to go hungry, he felt lucky. His father didn't feel the same. He shouldn't have fought for his son, he regretted all that money spent all that time spent for a teen that would NOT STOP FIGHTING. He kept getting in trouble with his school, he kept calling his father up there for meetings and conferences and his father was a busy man he did not have time for this he did not have time for his SON. He screamed and he screamed at the teenager hoping he would stop being such a brat, such a useless brat who kept fighting. Just stop fighting, just break already Lee. Hitting him didn't seem to work. Neither did kicking him, or pushing him down the stairs. Lee kept fighting. Maybe the blood in the first paragraph was his. Do you remember the first paragraph? How crazy he seemed, how DAMAGED. But he was strong. He might have been damaged and broken but he was strong. I want to be strong.   
    At some point he stopped being able to tell which bruises were from his father and which were from the boys he fought at school hoping to make a difference in the world. Were some self inflicted? Does Lee sit in his room and carve up his skin? Would that make for a more relatable character, or would readers stay away from him because teen suicede makes them uncomfortable, because teen problems make them uncomfortable. Should Lee be gay? Like me? Am I gay? I'm attracted to men, am I attracted to women too? I think so. Do I have the right to identify with this community that I value so much? Do I have the right to be a part of them when I have not faced the same type of oppression? DO I HAVE THE RIGHT? Again, making this about me. I'm sorry. Does that make Lee a better character. When I wrap my own problems up in his. Are these problems? Does Lee have the right? Do my feelings make sense? Am I taking this too far?
STOP
MAKING
THIS
ABOUT
ME
    The problem with a disguise is that no matter how hard you try, it is always a self portrait. Is Lee a disguise? Are my characters a disguise? Do I feel as broken as these characters do?
The creation of a character. All authors must first create their characters. Right? Can they do it backwards? Can they put off creating the characters till the very end so they don't have to deal with whatever problems they have. So they don't have to reflect on why they made them damaged or happy or FUCKING ANGRY. Do they have to reflect on it? I'm so tired of thinking about this, about the morals of it all. Can't I just feel broken in peace? Is my story enough to feel broken over? Would it make you cry? Would you accept me if you knew that I felt broken over something as trivial as my story? Maybe you'll accept my character. Maybe you'll accept Lee. Maybe his story will make you sob and realize how terrible the world is and how terrible fathers treat their terrible sons and daughters. Most of these sons and daughters grow up to be CRAZY. Will I grow up to be crazy? Maybe you'll never read his story because it deals with too much, because it's REAL. Can I call it real? If it's just the creation of a character.