~no pressure no diamonds~

ii

i'm feeling really down lately

i've moved schools 

i found people to sit with

but their not friends.

i don't have any friends.

no one cares.

it's just me. 

and Jesus.

everyone from my old school has forgotten about me

or were never my friends and are now backstabbing me

which i'm not suprised.

but it still hurts.

don't you remember me?

am i that easy to forget?

did i comfort you wrong?

did i hurt you?

was i not there for you in your troubles?

even though i was going though my own darkness,

and i still am?

isn't it that the people that:

 laugh the most, cry the hardest?

smile the brightest, feel the deepest pain?

i think everyone has a chapter they don't read out loud. 

everyone but me.

i have more than one chapter. 

i have a book.

with pages and pages of tears, grief, loneliness, depression, anxiety, and all with a pretty cover with the perfect smile and believable lies.

but when will this book end?

i hope soon.

i can read my friends feelings 

i can see it in their words, in their expressions, in their books, 

none of them actually care about me. 

they all care about someone else.

i dont have a someone

i don't have a best friend

i dont have a friend

i have no one who's shoulder i can cry on,

and no one to rely on.

i did once,

but they don't care anymore.

and i really hope no-one reads this, 

if you do, please, i know your lies.

i know you don't care.

i don't even have a family member to rely on.

my mum and dad are taken up with my brother and sister

my grandparents and relatives in Romania, i never see them

my grandparents in Melbourne,

i was once their favourite. 

i was the oldest child. 

i was once nurtured,

i was once cherished

i was once loved. 

but now when i call them they only talk for 5 minutes.

we used to talk for hours

they don't have time for me.

they are now occupied with my smaller cousins.

my cousin that i once called a sister,

we're 2 weeks apart in age.

she has no time to spend with me. 

she too lives in Melbourne and when i visit once a year,

we see each other 5 times.

4 years ago, we saw each other everyday i was there,

we had triple sleepovers in a row 

with maybe 6 in total not counting the in a row parts.

last Christmas we had 1.

and that was because i asked.

i text her, she responded a month later

she's too preoccupied with her friend

with her amazing life.

she's gorgeous.

and she gets the best out of life.

even my best friend in Melbourne. 

i sent her a postcard late January.

it's the end of May. 

and i still haven't gotten one back. 

Jesus, maybe if you whisk me away in my sleep, 

maybe then someone would realise how much i cared

and contributed.

maybe someone would realise an empty space,

but i don't think they'll remember who filled it.

please God, take me to heaven where i can be happy.

you say there's so sorrow of tears there.

i want you to take me there tonight.

you've heard my prayers.

i've prayed this for a while now.

i don't want to kill myself for the Bible clearly says that 

if you take your own life you which God gave you, you will go to hell,

so can you take it? because you gave it?

i'll just die young,

just random,

in my sleep Jesus,

please.

i can't wait to see you.