Bullying. [HS AU] II

» 07.

[asdfghjkl this story has me going insane]

 when i think of death, i've always thought of it to be painless and short. i didn't want it to hurt and be prolonged. if anything deaths in sleep seemed like the nicest. i didn't think of myself to ever plan my own death though.

if people used to think i was sad before, they're now going to think i was on the borderline of depression. if not, passing it.

i felt lost, confused and constantly upset with everything and everyone around me; but most importantly, with myself.

i carried myself differently, people didn't torment me as much because of the fight, but also because i heard that calum threatened some people again. i'm glad that i have him on my side now rather then against me.

if only i could have his twin sister on my side again.

i hadn't talked to her since our last confrontation. the one when she told me things that i already knew, but just wouldn't have been wanted to ever be told out loud; especially by her.

it really hurt, it stung that she felt this way about me. she wasn't any different. she hated me.

she wanted me dead. it was clear that she did, and that was a reality check for me. i've never felt so low in my life before. i've always found something to pick me up, to keep me going.

now i have nothing.

+++

14 days left.

i was counting down the days to my planned suicide. i had two weeks left of hell, then the christmas holidays would be coming along and then i wouldn't be around to see another year.

nobody would have to suffer with me for 2015. everything would be fine, everything would be great.

especially without me, i know when i'm not wanted.

i actually decided to write myself some letters but pretend i'm writing to someone else; like a diary. just with my thoughts feelings and emotions. i had everything planned and ready.

"dear harold,
                yeah. i know you've always hated being called that, even though it's not even your birth name, people find it amusing to call you that. dumb idiots. today was the same as the last. bridgetless. i feel emptier then ever without her, but seeing her smile with her posse of friends who would never care about her half as much as i do. that hurt the most. really got me. what i don't quite understand is why she hasn't appolgised to me yet? she knows i'm down, she even knows i haven't got any friends. she doesn't want me in her life anymore and that really stings my heart. she's trying to ignore me, and i'll try my best to do the same with her, no matter how impossible it may seem. harold, you hang in there. fourteen days will go by quickly.
            love always, harry."

i reread my letter the sealed it and placed it at the bottom of my underwear drawer. it would be the first of many letters.

i had never been more ready to do anything in my whole entire life. knowing that i have nothing to live for anymore, has really given me that extra push. i can do this.

i can die.

++

seven days left.

a whole week went faster then expected. i did exactly as the principle had instructed and helped the janitor out after school. i received my beatings with a small smile on my face because i knew this wouldn't be my life forever. one week left.

i know i can hang in there.

"dear harold,
                  didn't she look beautiful today? like always. but today she looked different, her eyeliner was darker but with the hints of purple as well as black. i hope she knows that purple really suits her. i should find the courage inside me to tell her that. or not, it's not like it even matters. this week was rough, but every week is rough. this week was painful as i had to watch bridget cry and not do anything about it. she looks pretty ghostly now, she looks as though something is eating her alive but she won't let anyone to help her. i see she's even distancing herself from her posse and her siblings. i want to help her, i just have no balls. i don't have it in me to listen to her harshly dismiss me and crush my heart into millions of little pieces again. that would really kill me before my time. maybe on my last day of being alive, maybe then i would consider telling her i love her and that she is my everything. i would tell her how there are so many words in the world, but her name is my favourite. i would tell her that my heart always skips a beat when she looks away, even for a split second. i would tell her how much she means to me and that when she touches me i get goosebumps from the adrenaline. my heart constantly yerns for her and i hope she knows that. one day she will know i loved her. maybe if she reads this.
                love always, harry."

i sealed yet another envelope and added it to the pile of the other six envelopes in my underwear drawer.

the time is coming fast.

+

"harry, can you clean the pe bathrooms please. i have a doctors appointment." phil the janitor isn't one to ever take time of the job he loves so much, so i don't argue with him at all. however it hits me after he leaves that i would also have to clean the girls bathroom.

oh.

the mens was easiest, i just washed down pubes and random platers here and there in the shower room. i tried my best to make it look spotless but that was virtually impossible.

i made sure that there wasn't any girls changing in changing room before i went in to clean.

the coast was clear.

i was carefully washing down the whole place and i somehow managed to drench my top which ended up stinging some wounds underneath my shirt. because nobody was around, i took my shirt off and it was then that i heard a massive gasp behind me. i dropped the mop and spun around with my cheeks flaming.

bridget was there.

"i, i." it wasn't because of my top being off and all the tattoos i had, that wasn't the reason why she had gasped. it was something else.

"wh-what, happened. t-to your skin?!" she clasps her hands around her mouth in shock. i was lost for words. i hadn't planned for this to ever happen. i didn't know what to even say to her. it wasn't my second last day of being alive or my last day.

so somehow i plucked the courage inside of me to whisper out the next few words,

"none of your business, bitch."

[short but sweet, bit like me in real life lmfao]