All throughout his teens, Richie thought about the experience he had with Pennywise that he never told anyone about. The words clung to Richie like a leech. "You can hide a lot about yourself, and you can keep as many secrets as you want, but the past won't be through with you." Richie wondered how It knew. How It knew about the stolen glances no one was looking, how It knew about Richie using arm wrestling as an excuse to hold hands. How It knew that while at the quarry when the other boys were looking at Bev, he was looking at the freckles covering Eddie's arms and Mike's broad shoulders.
He hadn't even told himself.
In reality, Richie was a liar. It was Tragic, with a capital T. They'd ask about the girls he liked, and he'd lie. They'd ask about who he was taking to the dance, and he'd lie. He'd lie, and lie, and lie. He'd deflect, and deflect, and deflect. It just became apart of his daily routine. To keep secrets from the only people he could call his friends. He assumed he sold it though because they'd all believed him when he talked about how hot Veronica was but he really meant JD.
In school, they were basically animals. They never paid attention, considering they ended up with most classes together. Richie still ended up with great grades, surprising the school, considering they forced Richie to talk to the school counselor because they thought something was wrong with himself. Even then he didn't talk about the thing constantly on his mind. That thing being his want to kiss Eddie and hold his hand.
Richie ended up graduating valedictorian, coming as a surprise to most. His speech went something along the lines of, "I'm shocked at what some of you are capable of, some in good ways, others in bad ways. This whole town is just a bad sad song, that doesn't say anything new or original. And, if this is a coronation into the real world, I'm not feeling the love just yet." And in true Richie fashion, he flipped them off.
Richie didn't end up going to college, he thought it was pointless. And now here he was on a stage in front of hundreds of people. Funny how life works like that. "So, is anyone else's childhood extremely fuzzy?" A couple of people in the audience shook their heads, "Ah, okay so it really is just the trama." That got a few laughs. The jokes he wrote himself did better than the ones he didn't, but he was rich, he didn't need to write his own jokes. This was every day, getting on stage, making shitty jokes, and then going home. Not that day though.
As he was telling his joke, he forgot it, that had never happened. Then a phone call from Maine. Normally he wouldn't answer, but something told him that he needed to answer the call. "This is Mike. Mike Hanlon."
The memories hit Richie like a train, although not fully there. Like if the train was transparent. A faceless boy, a group of friends. The heat of the summer. It was too much to take in at once. And Richie knows that this very event is how he ended up here, replaying the broken "Richie," slipping from Eddie's mouth as he recarved R + E from how many ever years ago. This phone pinged, pushing the moment into the back of his mind.
haystack: hey rich! meet @ clubhouse. need 2 tell u something
Richie dragged his hand over the carving one last time, pocketing the knife.
The walk to the clubhouse was miserable. Not only was it almost 90 degrees outside but Richie also couldn't get Eddie's voice out of his head. When Mike called not only did the memories came rushing back to him, the feelings did too. Or maybe the feelings never left, maybe Richie couldn't ever keep a relationship because there was the boy lecturing him on how gross it was that he'd eat food from the floor, the boy who reached for his pocket whenever anything happened.
"Richie! Glad you're here!" Richie scanned the room, everyone was here, well minus Eddie and Stan.
"We have an announcement!" Bev said cheerfully, probably too cheerful considering two of their friends were dead, "We're getting married! After I finalize the divorce with my husband!"
A few rounds of congratulations went around before Richie spoke up, "What?"
"Yeah, we've decided-"
"Not the proposal, I mean yes the proposal! What the fuck? Eddie and Stan are 6 feet under and you're getting engaged!"
"We're getting old Richie! We figured it would be best to do it now," Ben explained.
"Yeah! Exactly we're getting old, it's been 27 bitter fucking years since I've seen your faces. I'm not getting any younger either! And the one person I have been in love with since I was 13 fucking years old died in my arms less than a week ago! And you guys are here fucking in your hotel room. Unbelievable! We all thought our entire goddamn lives that we would die in this place and Eddie did!"
"R-Riche? Did you j-just say that you were in l-love with Eddie?"
Richie opened his mouth before shutting it. He just said he was in love with Eddie, for the first time in his life. He was in love with Eddie. Eddie who died in his arms. Eddie.
Richie couldn't speak. His throat burned and his eyes stung. He nodded.
"Richie..." Bev pulled him into a hug, the rest of the losers joining shortly after.
"We're sorry." Ben said, "We didn't know, we never meant to upset you."
Richie understood that, but he didn't understand. Why did they get to be happy while he had to be alone, it didn't seem fair. But life wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to Myra Kaspbrak who's husband will never come home, and she'll be left wondering what happened to him. It wasn't fair to Bill Denbrough who's brother isn't ever returning that ship. It wasn't fair to Dean, who was just unfortunate enough to live in Derry. It wasn't fair to Adrian who just wanted to be with his boyfriend.
If life wasn't fair to these people, why would it be fair to Richie? After all, this town was never kind to people like him.
