Ｈｅｌｌｏ • Ｖｉｌｌａｉｎ

Mistaken

Cass

Kindergarten kids don't know how to bully.
So, how exactly did I ruin Ala Harper?
Something tells me I knew how to get to her perfectly. That's not something I'm necessarily proud of.

I was so shaken when I noticed that name - that face - because she brings back a part of me that I want to forget. It was so bad that I ended up playing "La La Lu" in my head.

It didn't mutter "oh, that bitch is back." It never passed my mind. It was fear, really. The feeling of when your heart dunks beneath the pit in your stomach, and it stings in a way that sends a heat wave throughout your stiff body.

Last night was sleepless.

"Morning," my mom says as I lumber out of my room. I can hear the hizzing of bacon, and the smell swallows the air. I didn't bother responding.

There was a lazy silence as I seated myself at the bar and had my face in my hands.

"So, Tish mentioned to me that your therapy center is having group therapy from seven to nine," my mom addresses. I removed my hands from my face and stared blankly at the wall.

Tish is my maternal aunt. She's been working at my therapy center as a therapist who often sees younger kids. I'm sure my mom vents to Tish about my mental complications. Aunt Tish is cool, I guess. She's not that much of a person.

"What? Why?" I easily prevented myself from stuttering sloppily. "We think it could be good for you, you know? People who could understand you, people who couldn't judge you..." She advertised it like it was heaven.
"No, I'm not going," I demanded. My mom turned to face me, the bacon still sizzling. "You're going," she stated. My heart chipped, seemingly.

"If I'm not comfortable with it, it's not good for me!" I began to raise my voice. My mom gave me a look, and I looked down timidly. "Maybe you don't think it'll do any good because you're hopeless. Trust me, Cass."

I didn't want to trust her because I didn't trust myself that I'd be able to handle this. I want to keep my feelings internal so that things don't change. My mindset is based around the idea that living long enough this way can make it natural for me. I'll just adapt. I'm willing to struggle forever if fixing myself costs and arm and a leg, that being letting loose of my emotions.

I forgot Ala... that is, until I saw her face. She didn't exactly look the same as her younger self. Same dirty blonde hair that was always long, same somber eyes topped off with dark circles, same small pink nose. I wonder if I ever bullied her for that. But having a small pink nose isn't humiliating, right? I suppose it depends on the day and age you have one. I remember her features, and it hurts to say that she is and was genuinely pretty. But what hurts the most is wondering what she thought when she saw me. Did she see someone who deserves to rot? Did she mock me about my own problems right then and they're in her thoughts? Did she pray for me to be another girl?

But what I dreamed of convincing myself was that these are all pointless ideas. The pain that pricked me like thorns of a moon cactus vanished. Later, it shall prick my heart for sure.

Cami:
Talk about it if you want

Cass:
Shut up, stop suggesting that I talk about things

Cami:
Fucking hell, can I not help you?

My phone flips flat onto my chest. It buzzes gently. I scratch my cheek and check on it.

Cami:
Sorry then

Accepting apologies is the most typically uncomfortable thing for me, but the rude guy has to be the nice guy after years and years.

Cass:
Fuck, it's fine. I don't really care about it

Cami's typing, then she stops. This conversation relies on me now if she doesn't wanna spit things out.

Cass:
Ala was there, that's all. We had eye contact and then it stopped. I had to state my problems in front of her ass. She thinks I'm pathetic, I'm sure. Watch her sing the fact that she knows my sorry little issues. I wanna bounce my disgusting self on my way to hell. It was the worst, and there's nothing more to say

Cami:
That's tough. You sorry for her? What did you mean you wanted to go to hell

Cass:
I'm sorry, but only a little. It's because at that point I felt like vanishing. Things couldn't get worse unless she takes her knowledge to her advantage

Cami:
You should be more apologetic. Work on accepting more of your faults

Cass:
I accepted them all already. Nothing's helping. I'm as sorry was I'll ever be. I'll learn to let go. Now goodnight Cami.

I'm surprised I refrained from my explosive tendencies, or maybe they weren't as bad as usual.

Cami didnt fail at helping, Iris didn't fail as being seen as an enjoyable person, I failed at both of those. Oh, how hypocritical a bully is. Those who mock others for being bitches, yet doing so in the bitchy-est manner. But that wasn't me. So, why did I ruin Ala Harper?

The same way she ruined herself.

Cami:
Would you miss Ala?

What?
I pick up my phone again. I thought I told her bye. I slammed my fingers onto my keyboard, noticing that she was typing at the same time I was.

(Current draft)
Cass:
Can you take a moment to read my farewell asshole? Good day and leave me the fuck al-

Cami:
Would you miss her if you two enjoyed each other

I stop. I delete everything I wrote. I think, and then I type. The mood has changed, and my mind is silent.

Cass:
You don't know

Cami:
?

Cass:
Goodnight, Cami.

I roll onto my stomach, I stuff my face into my pillow, and I sniffle.

The question is, did I like Ala as a kindergartner?

I have two mothers, so I was open to homosexuality at a young age. But of course, a kindergartner couldn't tell love from a crush.

Cami:
...
Let's rekindle you bitches.
...
And goodnight

Cunt of the month.