wattys 2020 winner • mystery/thriller
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Everyone thinks she is dead. Even I thought so, too.
While the town spoke of her dead name, Amethyst Cambray is actually alive, and she is asking for my help.
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Sometimes, I wonder, I was probably Hitler in my past life. Or someone really, really horrible, that the heavens have punished me like this.
I heard from Irene (I refuse to call her Mama — let alone consider her as my mother) that I was abandoned by my real parents and left me in front of my grandparents' house. I was given to Irene and Gary who are both drug addicts, in hopes of changing them into loving, caring people. My grandparents have failed.
I hope my real parents just left me on the river. Malay mo mas napadpad pa ako sa mas magandang bahay. Instead I live in a house that always smelled like liquor and drugs, where decent food isn't made, where the evilest people live, including probably me.
The ironic thing is, the three of us go to church every Sunday. We listen as the priests preach about kindness, forgiveness, and love. I doubt that my parents know those three; because people who know their real meanings do not curse their child, abuse their child, or rape their child.
Sometimes I just do not want to believe in God. This may be really cliched; but I believe that if he truly exists, I wouldn't have suffered like this. I guess going to church or singing for the Lord or believing there is God isn't the real basis of how good of a person you really are. I read somewhere that people are not supposed to be religious; they should be faithful. And because of my faith, I have always believed that one day, I'll get out of my hell.
How many nights have I spent screaming on my pillow as my father did me? How many nights have I tried covering up my bruises given by my mother through hammers or hot water? How many times have I cried, telling them to stop, crying myself to sleep, and then waking up the next day to be the Amethyst Cambray that everybody loves?
I had to put up an act. The bright, beautiful Amethyst, who are friends with everybody. It is sickening, but I loved being the girl I am not. At school, I'm free to pretend that I have a healthy family who loved me. It's just funny how other people around me say they envy the life I live; when they do not know how much I wish I wasn't me.
I have always said I have severe anemia to anyone who asked about my bruises. Nobody suspected my abuse, not even my kind, beautiful best friend, Cinna. I feel bad that I had to keep this as a secret, but I had no choice.
Not a single person knows about my hell, so I only have myself to put me out of it. I have planned many times. When I went out of town using a motorcycle I'd stolen somewhere, I pondered about things I should do. About ways to put this nightmare to an end.
It is Saturday, 8 PM. Our house is burning, and I did it. I killed my parents and set their bodies on fire. In there, Hannah and my parents are burning. I did not kill Hannah though. She killed herself.
