Amethyst Died that Saturday

the letter he read for goodbye

Coffee shop boy,

I know that even if I tell you not to look for me, you still would, so I guess I'd just let you. After living with you for months, I just know how much of a stubborn ass you are. Not that I'm complaining though — I loved that about you.

Hindi ko alam kung alam mo na ang totoo, but at this point, I guess you're now slowly getting the whole picture of everything that sooner or later, you would know about the truth. It's unfair to leave without telling you though, so I'm going to say one thing only — yes, Mavin, I did it. I'm a murderer.

I regret doing it — I regret that I had to defy hell just to be out of the hell itself. It angers me because dirtying my hands was a choice, and it's the only damn way I know. It angers me so much that even after doing it I wonder to myself if doing it was even right. Time to time I think that no, it isn't. I surrendered myself to the dark and wicked side of humanity that I was so sure I didn't have a piece of warmth in me, but then you proved me wrong. At that seaside, when I was so ready to leave my life, you came with this ridiculous look on your face, stopping me, and ridiculously so, I did.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa isip ko no'n. Your face was so familiar, then I remembered you're the guy who makes coffee every afternoon, the guy who crushes on my best friend, and then I you thought could bring me warmth I couldn't get from anyone else. I was such a slut for warmth and you willingly and effortlessly gave it to me that for a second, that time as the sea water brushes our feet, I risked everything and came with you, because I at least wanted to feel more of you before leaving this foolish world.

Doing it was wrong.

I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I'm such a bitch sometimes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I manipulated you.

I'm sorry, Mavin.

I was so selfish. I didn't think of your sake. You were there for me, truly caring for me, truly being sad for me, only to turn out in the end that the person you've been helping is the murderer you were trying to find. And all these just because of my own selfish desire.

I know that sooner or later, you would realize that I really did it. After all Oliver told you so, only you forced yourself to believe that he was lying. That time I knew you were deep into my pathetic lies and I couldn't bear it. I couldn't, and I had to force myself to leave that house I really loved and most specially . . . you.

When we went to the sea, I was at my most vulnerable state. I showed you my scars and bruises; the ones on the outside and the ones from within me. Naked, the cold wrapped around my pale skin, the sea water gleamed against the gray moonlight, and you watched me. I saw the look on your face; you looked as if you were looking at a puzzle you were struggling to understand. You were looking deep within me that my skin and my physical self felt unreal. That piece of time, I was fully convinced that I had to leave you soon, though my heart clings into this false possibility that I don't have to. Under that sea water, you held my hair and my back and my skin brushed against yours, and having known the feeling of your lips to mine woke me up from my fantasy of you.

I knew, back then, it was the end.

I no longer had a reason to be with you.

Before I end this letter, I want you to remember me every time you see that beach, or when you drink coffee, or whenever you see my name. I know that someday we would meet again. I don't know what is going to happen by then, I just know we'll meet again and it is up to fate to do what is destined to happen between the both of us.

Thank you for the chance of making me feel many different things in the span of a few months. I have lived through trauma, fear, sadness, but through those months I felt love, joy and for the first time, I didn't have to fake myself and . . . I was not sad that I am a girl named Amethyst Cambray.

Thank you for everything, Mavin.

I know we'll meet again, but if we won't, remember that you will forever live in me as I will forever live in you.

-A