hi guys. it's me, lovs.
so recently, my mental health has suddenly started getting worse and i finally decided to go for an appointment. i was hoping it was nothing serious but i guess it doesnt always turn out the way you want it to :'))
my mental health has always been bad ever since my friendship problems and i guess one of my recent problems was the snapping point. it was my breaking point. my chest always felt so heavy and my mind was full of negative thoughts. i cried myself to sleep at times when my emotional breakdowns were too much for me to handle. and it slowly got worse. those negative thoughts soon lead to be suicidal thoughts. my mind just kept telling me how i was better off dead and that my family doesn't need me. the feeling of being useless just overwhelmed me. it was bad. it really was.
this lead me to trying to kill myself. i had tried to suffocate myself with my pillow when my mind was so overwhelmed. i just wanted to end the pain.
i think that was a fucked up method of me dealing with it and i think you shouldn't do the same. at that point of time, that was the only thing fueling me and my negative thoughts. that's when i suddenly thought of my family and my friends. how would my best friend feel if she found out that her best friend who always was so loud and annoying, dead the next day without even a note? how would my family feel when they found their oldest child and sibling, dead without even saying goodbye or anything? that stopped me and it broke me down even more.
i realised a lot when i tried to kill myself that night. it really had me thinking a lot. that was when i decided to talk to my mother about the problems. and it did help. it helped to get that heavy burden off my chest. and for a while, i was fine, or at least i thought i was.
just 3 days ago i had some what of what was like an anxiety Attack and that was the most scariest thing i had experienced. it made me feel breathless. like something was stopping me from taking in oxygen. it happened 3 times in a span of 3 hours.
i guess that was what finally got my parents to seek help for me. and i went to the hospital today and was referred to the institute of mental health. i haven't gotten an actual diagnosis yet but they said it's possible that i have either depression and anxiety or adjustment disorder. it was my first time hearing this mental illness.
basically adjustment disorder or also known as stress response syndrome is a short-term condition that occurs when the person has great difficulty dealing with or adjusting to a particular source of stress. because the syndromes for the disorder is similar to clinical depression, it is also known as "situational depression". it is not as serious as major depression though. the types of stress that can trigger the disorder varies from person to person. the way that the person with this disorder reacts is greater than what is expected.
well whatever the diagnosis is, i'll try my best to heal my heart and myself before i start writing again. i just want to start afresh. so for the time being, i won't be doing any updates but i'll still be online. i just want you guys to know that if you are ever facing problems, please please talk it out with someone who you trust. it can be your parents, your friends, even your teacher. it's better to let it out than to bottle it up inside to the point where you might just explode. i don't want you guys to go through and do the things i did. if you guys need someone to talk to, i'm available. i'm here to lend you my shoulder to lean on. it's gonna be difficult but please know that there are people who care about you :))
well until we meet again,
this was lovs.
