This Must Be The Place and Other Stories

The Frog Prince Reloaded

My entry to the HurricaneBC Pride Month contest "LGBT+ retold fairytales" (2020).

Once upon a time in a magical place called Hollywood, an insanely handsome Latino actor called Diego was lounging by a swimming pool so crystalline blue, it looked like the very sky itself.  

Despite his beauty, and fame, and wealth, and talent, and the fact that he had to hire a private secretary just to field all the calls from people wanting to send him scripts, and a bodyguard to keep female fans from ripping his clothing off at movie premieres, Diego was lonely. 

He knew he was charming. He knew hundreds of thousands of total strangers had sex fantasies about him every night. And that was the problem. They knew his career, but they didn't know him. And that meant the love was only skin-deep. A very, very alluring and sexy skin, but still, only skin. 

Diego wanted more.

The only person in the whole world he felt loved him for himself was his Mama. But even there he wasn't entirely sure. After all, she was the president of his fan club and the way her eyes lit up every time Oscar night came around. . . . 

Without a special someone who saw into his heart and the beauty therein, Diego had a difficult time respecting his many achievements. 

Maybe that's why, on this particular day, he was playing so absent-mindedly with one of his Golden Globe awards, tossing it up into the air and shouting "And the Globe goes to...and the Globe goes to...and the Globe goes to..." every time he caught it. 

A shout in Spanish from inside his hilltop villa attracted his attention, and the Globe slipped out of his hand, falling, SPLASH!, into the pool, and sinking all the way down to the bottom of the deep end.

"¡Madre de puta!" Diego said, and stormed into the villa to see what the ruckus was about. It turned out to be two maids waving their feather dusters aggressively at each other and arguing about which female character on their favourite telenovela was the bigger bitch. Diego turned around and went back to the pool, where he stood staring at his Golden Globe glimmering like sunken treasure at the bottom. 

For all his talent and beauty, Diego was a miserable swimmer. Diving in was out of the question. He didn't want to drown.

"Mama's gonna kill me," he said. 

"I'll get it back for you," a rough voice croaked. Diego turned to see a lumpy green thing with large, popping orange eyes staring up at him. 

"Did you just say something, Mr Frog?" 

 "I did," the frog replied, shifting its webbed feet just a little on the mosaic tiles. "I said, I'll get your golden thingamajig back for you."

"Gracias," Diego said, and went to sit in a deck chair and sun himself. 

The frog cleared its throat. "But, you see, I'm a little hungry and I've got nowhere to sleep tonight but under your veranda. Give me a bit of those enchiladas I can smell from here to eat, and let me sleep in a real bed for one night, and the gold thing's yours again."

Diego eyed the frog suspiciously. As a Hollywood personality, he was used to being constantly hit up for favours and donations. In The Valley, everybody had their hand out. But there was something so unglamorous about this little frog, so honest, that he decided to risk having mud tracked over the floor of his house and scum rings left in his sink. 

"Deal."

The frog leaped into the pool. After a while, the Golden Globe statue bobbed on the surface where Diego could easily pull it out. 

"Now, what about that enchilada?" the frog said, its long thin tongue licking its entire face in anticipation. 

In the kitchen, Diego reheated some of lunch and served it on a gold-rimmed plate to the frog, now sitting on the table top. Then he sat down, too, and watched the frog eat.

The amphibian turned out to be excellent company and Diego spent the rest of the day just hanging out with it. He found out it did a mean de Niro impersonation, but had no idea Diego was in movies. When bed time rolled around, the frog hopped up the stairs after him, but looked disappointed when Diego opened the door to a guest room.

"I get really chilly at night. Cold blooded, you know? Would you mind too much if I bunked down with you?" it asked, orange eyes blinking. 

The idea of having such a slimy thing on his silk sheets wasn't appealing, but the frog had been so much fun and Diego was in such a good mood, that he acquiesced. He fell asleep with a smile on his lips, the frog quietly humming tunes from "My Fair Lady" on the pillow next to his own. 

In the morning, before he was entirely awake, Diego felt the covers move. Thinking it was one of his casual hook-ups, he kissed the movement and said,  "Good morning, mi miel." 

 A few moments later, a pair of heavenly lips kissed him back. He opened his eyes to see a handsome Latino gazing down at him. A gaze full of love. 

"Finally!" the man said, his voice a little croaky. 

"Do I know you?"

"I'm the frog. Long story, but the short version is: an evil movie producer with a grudge put a triple curse on me. I've been hopping all over this hill for decades trying to find a prince of man who'd feed me, sleep with me and call me his honey. And you finally did. My name's Ricky."     

And then Ricky bent down to give Diego another kiss that had his heart thumping like a Mariachi band. 

And that's how Diego, that famous and insanely handsome actor, found the love of his life. 

And all with the help of a little bit of Hollywood magic. 

🐸 🐸 🐸

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If you are unfamiliar with Mariachi bands, here's a short video. It'll give you a really good idea of how Diego is feeling after that kiss!