Jesus Christ I can't even begin to explain how much I'd like to fucking blow my head out right now.
As much as I wouldn't want to admit it, I crave human interaction and I think being quarantined has damaged my mental stability. I can't think straight. I don't feel loved. No one loves me. I feel alone and I need someone to talk to. But I constantly isolate myself and if I don't, I ruin everything with someone I care about very dearly. I hate myself for it and I don't know how to change it. I don't put any effort into relationships because I always end up getting hurt one after the other. It's an endless cycle. I just want someone I can love that can match the same energy. I can cry just thinking about all the mistakes I've made this summer already, even though it's already started. I've lost friends and stopped talking to my closest family members. I can't feel anymore, and I just need a jolt back to reality. I mess everything up and it's always my fault and I'll never make anyone happy, it would be better just to end it with a goodbye. I don't think anyone would care anyway. I'm just baggage ultimately. Hopefully I'll find a better way to cope than listening to depressing music while thinking about what I could've done to make people stay in my life, including important relationships that I liked putting my time into. I think I just rush things honestly, but I'm so desperate for attention and interaction that I'll try almost anything just to have someone say "I love you" and write nice long paragraphs about how sweet and cute I am. But I don't think I deserve it :/ I want it but obviously I can't get anyone to like me enough to even say a full sentence to me. I feel so alone. I want to make someone happy and be the best significant other I could be, and I try really hard but I seem to be getting no where. I'll never find anyone who'll love me the way I'll love them. I'll never get to cuddle or kiss someone because of how selfish I am just to satisfy my own interests. I'll just have to come to my senses and die alone.
