farther than the universe |hs

Growing Pains

Lucy; Present Day

Wiping off the fog from the bathroom mirror, Lucy meets a weary, blurred version of herself staring back at her. Time has kissed her skin with frown lines and wrinkles. Her hair, even when wet has no longer been graced by the light of the sun; the natural blonde she's been blessed with has faded. Her eyes no longer carrying the last glimmer of hope in her soft hazel eyes faded.

Lucy endured a lot for the most part of her life. One might even say too much. She had experienced enough trauma to for her to assume the universe didn't love her enough because there was nothing in her life the universe has left untouched when it came to spoiling the good things in her life.

It wasn't hard for Lucy to be buried beneath weight of her emotions, even with everything that's surpassed her. She always held hope close to her heart, completely believing it was the key to her survival. So, when her hope fails her, disappointment quickly rises within her like the late night tides rushing closer to the shore.

So, when she loses her husband to the universe, the tides roll closer to home and she finally lets it drag her off the shore. She sunk to the bottom of the ocean, her depression weighing her down, completely leaving her daughter behind; and the guilt sets in.

Like steam, it rises from the deepest pit of her stomach all the way into her throat as she realizes she's left her daughter behind to fend for herself. Her daughter taking up the role as her personal caregiver; feeding her, reminding her to take her meds, sometimes wiping her down with a wet rag because Lucy had lost any motivation to take a shower.

Even from the depths of the dirt she buried her under, Lucy can still hear her mother's taunting voice, mocking her for being less of a mother she could ever be.

Lucy swallows thickly, closing her eyes to clear her head and rid her thoughts of her mother. Pull yourself together, Lucy.

In this moment, in this small pocket of time, she imagines herself as a buoy because up until this very moment, she was one. She's a buoy that can withstand harsh, unexpected storms. She lets herself believe she's strong enough to protect her daughter from being caught in the damage of the storm. That she'll be better from this point on.

The loss isn't just about you, it's also about her.

Lucy moves in a swift yet careful motion, drying herself off before getting into the fresh clothes her daughter had left her on the wicker basket.

When she steps out of the bathroom, she's greeted by the warmth of her home, fog emitting behind her. The soles of her feet are met with soft kisses from the carpet as she walks over to her bedroom. She sees the breakfast tray she left untouched, so she picks it up and decides to bring it downstairs and eat it where Emilia is closest to her.

We're going to start this day differently, she thinks to herself, not minding that it was already midday.

She steadily moves down the stairs, doing her best to balance the tray in her hands. She finds a couple of old boxes sprawled in the living room, her daughter rummaging through what seems to be vinyl records her husband had stored in the attic due to the lack of space in the antique cabinet he had bought some time ago.

"Honey..." Lucy's voice wanders as far as her eyes take her. Her voice comes out raspy from all the times she chose to keep quiet in the past couple of days. Emilia twists her attention to her mom. Once again, she's startled to find her anywhere but in her bed. "What's this about?"

Emilia blinks her eyes, still dumbfounded, taking in the image of her mom looking better than she had been. She no longer looked like a ghost, but someone who wanted to be alive. She watches her as Lucy moves around the couch, taking a spot behind her where she's crouched on the floor.

"It's uhm," Emilia is careful, careful like the hunters she watches on Animal Planet. She gawks at her mother, minding the volume of her voice in fear that it would cause her mom to retreat back into her room. "It's just uhh, a bunch of records dad hid in the attic. I couldn't find the rest of his stash, so I went up and dug around. I was about to find this though," She raises an old 10cc vinyl record; the color from the album worn out. "I hope its okay."

Lucy waves her off, softly smiling. "Don't worry about it. It's been collect dust anyway."

Emilia nods, turning back to the box before her. There's a bit of awkward tension in the room, and it's clear to Lucy that it's her fault.

Once again, she imagines herself as a buoy, the waves are picking up, but she stands proud and unshaken.

It takes her a while; opening her lips to speak, but closing it again. She'll sweep the tip over her tongue across her lips, frantic and anxious; all the while picturing herself as the steady buoy.

"I-I'm sorry..." Her sudden apology catches Emilia off guard, their eyes meeting when she turns around. Lucy makes it a point to keep the eye contact. "I'm sorry for abandoning you these past few days, and making you feel like you were alone." Emilia's mouth gapes open to speak, but Lucy raises her hand to stop her. She takes a deep breath before speaking again, trying to stop the sharp pain rising in her chest. "I made this about me. I made this about what I had lost, but honey, y-you lost someone too. I-I'...I should've..."

Lucy's lips quiver in anger, frustrated at herself, at the universe, at this moment, and her inability to find the right words.

She swallows thickly, unable to keep herself at bay. "I'm the mom." She whispers, ceasing herself from being consumed by her desperate need to cry again. "I didn't mean to leave the way I did. I-I never m-meant... to... leave you."

Her chest heaves, and she surrenders herself to her tears as she pushes herself off the couch and onto ground, embracing her. "I see you, I do." Lucy whispers, her daughter beginning to quietly cry into the material of her sweater. "I love you,"

Lucy continuous the string of apologies, whispering it into her daughter ear as presses her lips against the side of her head. Her hand resting onto the back of her head, holding her the way she did when Emilia was a mere newborn. And for the first time, Emilia breaks her silence and cries out to her mom.

Time doesn't stop for them and their heartfelt moment, but instead it stretches itself through the passing seconds, creating an infinite loop for them to stay in until they slip away from each other.

Emilia clings onto the hold of her mother, embracing her tightly in hopes to close any possible space between them. Lucy can smell her daughter's shampoo, the usual scent of her body spray fills her lungs. Her own wet hair sticks to the side of Emilia's cheek.

"I love you, mom," Emilia gasps between her sobs, digging her fingers into the wool of her mom's sweater.

"I love you, too." 

Even in the first version I wrote of this book, I always pictured the mom to be Meryl Streep and the daughter to be Rachel McAdams. However, whoever you guys choose to imagine might probably be better. Give me your thoughts if you have any.  - elle