a reason to believe.

three boys.

in my life i have stumbled into the arms of three boys.
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T.T.
We were young, and best friends. It's funny looking back on all the times I looked up at him with a smile and said, 'I love you in a sister/brother way.' I think of all the times he said it back. Never did I imagine it to bloom into what it did.
It slowly built up into this little forever, something nobody could touch. He was my first kiss. I remember holding hands under tables in secret. Conversations that lasted till early hours of the morning. It was us against the world.
I look back and God we were so damn young. I swear to this day if we had listened and not been so stubborn we would have made it. We had dreams of California. Dogs, specifically a husky or a golden retriever. He hated small dogs, but decided we could get one simply because I wanted one. Two kids, Zach and Bree. We dreamt of the future because the present was too hard to think about. Still, we were so fucking young.
I remember face timing for a week in secret. He was sick, and we watched spongebob together, the same damn episodes, for a whole week. He laid there, fighting sleep. I would tell him to get rest, and he would just shake his head and say, 'Not until I know you're asleep and safe first.' We snuck around at movies and at parties. Anywhere we could get to each other. It was desperate longing.
I was depressed. He was depressed. We were both suicidal. We were one another's safety preservers. I don't think I would have lived through that shit without him. He made things worse sometimes, but he made things better too. I don't think anyone has cared so much about me. He would have dropped dead if I asked him too...He would have done anything for me and I let it slip away...
He made me who I am. He's the reason I'm strong, stubborn, inspired by music. He was toxic for a long time, but he loved me. I think I loved him too to a certain extent. I wonder how he is now. I hope he's happy. I hope someday he comes back in my life because he was my world. Losing him wasn't a choice I necessarily wanted to make but I had to. I broke him, and It haunts me every day. T.T, I'm sorry and I miss you.
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N.P.
I watched him from a far for a year. I was shy and depressed and fucking scared and never dared to speak to him. He was popular. I was a shadow on the floor. Things changed though. He became my best friend. I felt myself falling and I don't know why, but I let myself.
He was charming and sent sparks through me. I found myself smiling at nothing, dreaming about holding his hand. He stole my heart so fast. I fell in love so fucking hard. I have never in my life felt so strongly for someone. I thought he was the universe. Even as I write this I struggle to tell you how I felt. Words don't touch it. It ultimately killed me. I was dreaming of forevers and he was just dreaming of getting through the next week.
He didn't see what I tried to do. I put everything I had into this boy, but it wasn't enough. I was a shitty girlfriend. I wasn't enough...fuck, everything was my fault to him...I could barely keep myself a float but did it matter? No. I still worked every hour of every day to keep him alive.
I was still depressed. He thought he could fix it. He did...to a certain extent. I knew deep down however, that the only one to save me could be me. He didn't understand that love wasn't going to take away my anxieties, my emptiness. He hated it. It caused so many fights. He was angry as it is. I still don't know why. People are people I guess and I have to except that as an answer.
I knew it was over before he actually said the words. I would go into details about the last few days of our relationship but it hurts far too much for me to think of now.
It's been almost 7 months since he left. I've been a goddamn wreck since. I cut myself thinking it would release him from my veins. It didn't work. I stopped eating to make myself beautiful enough for him. It didn't work. I started throwing up, and crying a lot more. I had nightmares. It was horrible.
I'm getting better in small, small steps. It hurts, but I believe I'm going to be okay. Not now. Not tomorrow. But soon. He does not care, so I cannot either.
Heath Ledger as the Joker once explained what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. He compared it to himself and Batman. I compare myself to the unstoppable force, and you are the immovable object. In the end? We crashed and burned somewhere in the middle where we met.
Gerard Way, my hero, once said, "Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person." I am rising from my ashes. In saying that, N.P. I'll always love you, and I'm sorry. This is the end of it for good.
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K.R.
This is the only boy I regret. I was evil. I did not realize it at the time, but I was pretending him to be someone he was not. He was there to fill in for the brokenness N.P. left behind. I was desperate to feel something.
I did like him. He was sweet and cute and made me feel better. You can never fully appreciate that though when all you do is compare them to someone else.
I'm a shit person for what I did. For Christ's sake I don't even have enough to write for him...K.R., you have so much going for you and I hope you reach your potential someday. I'm sorry.
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I've tried running from all of these things. The emotions, the dreams, the memories. Ultimately you can't. I'm figuring that out slowly. You have to take this pain and ignite it to make yourself stronger...learn the lessons that need learning. Feel the hurt. Scream and cry if it makes you feel better. I promise it's going to get easier. Smile at the past.
Embrace the present.
Stay around to see the future.
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//december 23, 2014//