Rhiannon

- Riannon and James -

I was sitting in the café and played with the mug of tea. Book next to a small piece of pie,, that for now stayed untouched. Yes, there are days, when no matter how much I try, I can't eat or drink. All I want to do is to lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. There are days, when I wake up and I'm not sure, which one am I. Am I the witch or the victim. Am I the victim or the survivor.

The scars on my wrist reminds me, which reality is real. My scars, the reminder of my unsuccesful attempts to kill myself. My scars... They bring me back to the world, that treated me wrong. The world, that brought me to my knees and let me think, that I am not worthy to have a voice, to speak. The world, where I saw the biggest evil and met also the biggest and strongest good.

Human kindness.

You were wrong, my lover. Human, who is kind, can change a world, even if of a one simple human being. Helena showed me kindness and patience and she saved me. She saved me from myself. From my own destruction.

In my head, I made her to be the bad one. Because my mind was still full of blame. Blame, that I killed a child. Blame for the abortion. And I needed somebody to blame instead, so I could erase that deep pain, so the moment I met Helena, I made her into a evil, who tried to persuade me, that I have to get rid of James, get rid of a baby. Baby, that was already dead by that time. And the only person, who stood by my side, I tried to see as evil, who supposed to soothe my pain.

How twisted and confused a mind of a person can be?

I was sitting and thinking about eveything, that happened in past few years.

For starter a court with my step father and brother. They had been charged for so many things against me, that I stopped counting or maybe even listening, when judge read it all. My mother was there in the room and she didn't even look at me.

Rhiannon was there. Sitting next to me all the time and I wouldn't want it to have it other way.

Helena came. I knew, she would come, even if she wasn't my psychiatrist. During break for lunch, she always took me for food and made sure, I took food as well as my pills. Pills, that made me calmer, but didn't make Rhiannon disappear.

Rhiannon vanished herself after the end of the court. Both men were found guilty and sent to prison. For long years. And Rhiannon disappeared like a ghost that evening after I fell asleep and she was lying next to me, singing Now sleeps the crimson petal. When I woke up, I didn't see her, but till this day, I feel her. Inside me. In my mind and my heart.

My mother never contacted me after all this and Nathaniel... He tried, god bless this man, he tried, but I never loved him. He was a way for me to feel normal, to have fiance, to fit into society. I let him go and I never saw him again. Can't blaim him, I hurt him too by giving him fake hopes, by faking feelings for him I never had.

How long was I sitting in this spot, I had no idea. My tea ran cold and I saw a fly landing on that piece of pie. I didn't even realize it, it tears were running down my face. One by one, and I automatically wiped one, so the other could appear and float the same way.

What I didn't know either, was that amongst many guests of that café somebody noticed me. Maybe I was sobbing out loud, maybe I was sitting there for long and he had to sit by the bar for that.

"Are you alright, miss?"

That voice. I swear, if I was standing, I would fall. My knees were shaking, same as my hands and for a while, I wasnt' able to look up.

"James?" I rose my eyes to see him and more tears rolled down my cheeks. This can't be real, they say, you don't exist, so how come you are standing here?

He curiously looked at me. "Uhm, do I know you?"

I stood up and almost fainted. My head was spinning and I supported myself against a chair and he immediately came to support me. The touch felt real, he was holding me by my forearm and hand and it felt so real. "Did you come to say goodbye to me too?" I asked, whispering, looking at him with eyes filled with tears.

"Ah, no miss," he shook his head and helped me to sit back on chair. "I saw you crying and... Well nobody came to you. I... I know it's none of my business, but I only wanted to ask, if you don't need any help."

I was staring at him for whole eternity. Where is your scar? You don't have these lines on ink on the side of your neck, how is that possible? "I'm fine," I said in quiet thin voice and looked at the cup full of tea, that I didn't drink once probably.

"Excuse me," he stopped waitress, who was passing by and as he spoke to her, my eyes opened wide. She sees him and speaks with him. How... How is this possible? I didn't even come to realize, for how long I've been lost in my head again and new cup with tea landed in front of me. The steam from hot beverage was arising from its surface and created lines of all shape. "How did you know, that my name was James?" The man asked me and I swallowed hard, trying to find my voice, but most likely an explanation.

"You know, I... I'm a witch," I said and chuckled softly, when a deep amused snigger came from between his lips.

"Oh, in that case, I have nothing to say and I'd better watch my back from now on, yeah?" He smirked and offered me a tissue. "Hope this will make you feel better," he then said about new warm tea and piece of new pie.

We shared a moment of silence. He was looking at me and I was looking at him. How can you be the man from my dreams? The one, who I loved and hated the most. How can you be sitting here, when you suppose to in my head. You suppose to be only an ilusion, projection of my tired, sick mind.
Yet here he was, looking at me with his dark blue green eyes, only that scar was missing.

"What's your name?" He asked me calmly. "Or should I guess too?" He joked with a small smile.

"You can try," I agreed and took a sip of the warm tea.

"Well, since you said, that you are a witch, it is probably something original, hm?"

"Might be," I replied with a small nod and he narrowed his eyes and studied me for a long.

"Well," he said after a while and cleared his throat, keeping his eyes locked with mine. "I have nothing," he admited and I had to chuckle. "I mean, it feels, like if I said a name like Jane or Anna, it would be an insult for your unique appearance."

"She is like a cat in the dark and then She is the darkness," I quietly sang FleetWood Mac song and he made that oh realization sound.

"Rhiannon," he said thoughtfully with a nod and stretched his arm for a shake. "Nice to meet you. I'm James."